my faTHer, my Son

Dear Lord, I appreciate You so much because no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing…You are within. Today, I spoke words I am otherwise incapable of speaking. I spoke them to myself. Firstly you reminded me of how You use the foolish things of the world to bring wisdom to man. I thought of my father and how i desperately longed for him to wake up and receive Your Grace and feel Your Gentleness and Goodness and to have renewed hope and direction. You answered, ‘It is Done’. I had an unnatural image in my head of my own father becoming my son. It seemed wrong on so many levels. And then You spoke into me. Your words reached the tips of my fingers and made them tingle. They rose up to the corners of my mouth and made me smile. What is it, they say about Your Word? It separates the soul from the spirit. Your word pervaded my entire body and I began to laugh.
 
My father, my son…
Dad,I would like to show you
How beautiful the world is
How beautiful you have made it for me
I would like to thank you
You have worked very hard for me
And I have received the best education
And slept in the most comfortable beds.
You have grown up for me,
So much that you have learnt to discipline me with a mere look
And encourage me with a hug.
You have also failed for me,
To show me that it is human to err
And that we all have days numbered past our mistakes.
You have loved for me,
By caring for your parents as they aged
Taking others' children under your wings.
And of course, you married my mother….
You have lived for me, dad,
And I thank you.
Now as i grow, take the limits off yourself:
Work, love, live, grow, and err for God.
I am learning too and I can show you some tricks or two.
Firstly, abandon us and yourself to His Mercy
Open yourself to the prospect of a New Hand writing your will
And designing your life.
Shake all the remnants off from your past…all things dad.
And He will reorder them for you
You don’t have to be lost anymore
My father, my son..

In Him, I promise, you will be found.

A2A

SexPiRed!

This word came into my mind today from nowhere. How it came about amused me so much and i really want to share it. So, work had become a little tedious today and my mind of course, began wandering. those who know me Know that I like to be the master of my mind so it obviously did not just wander. the dear Bible advises that we bring all our thoughts into obedience so i know better than to say it merely drifted when i hold the leash/reins/watEva…I, Me, I took my mind for a stroll. Took it right to the park to play a ball game. Too literal huh? Yeah, I thought so too. Anyway, i start thinking about the ‘ART of loVemaKing’ and dareIsay, i wanted to Draaaw (pronounced as it is spelt) or to be painted or sculpted, something sinful was definitely cooking up in my mind. then I came up against a huge sign in my head and right across it was written,

EXPIRED

I was like WhaT?I think it may have been the Holy Spirit telling me that thoughts like these (lustful ones, DIGRESSION AHEAD:u see this is why lust is spelt with a ‘U’ instead of A because nothing that comes from this word LaSTs/enDUres/perSISts/conTiNues. Things born of lust perish real quickly!)…Anyway the HS must have been reminding me that XRfantasies are no longer a part of my fibre, not since i was Talitha Koumed anyway. thoughts like that must have had a timeframe and have reacched their sexpiration date so now they have rightfully
SEXPIRED!

Now whoever said the Lord didn’t have a sense of humour?

A2A

Dear Talkoum or Waeva…Do you remember the time?

1. when you went into the garden and dared your aunt to spray you with cold water and she DID. You told mama, and she laughed so hard.

2. when the neighbour’s kid burnt down the house and all his twin sister could say was, momma’s gonna woop you.

3. when the teacher was just saying we will go to the toilet before the bus comes, and she turns around and sees me trying to haul my pee into my dress from the floor, and she says maybe we should go now. I heard a few of those.

4. my first selfless kiss: was when i kissed this booi whose arm had been hurt in the playground at nursery school…i gave him a peck on his left shoulder while we were waiting for our nannies to come pick us up. He is dead now.

5. when my neighbour friend taught me to smoke her father’s cigarettes. I was five.

6. when my sister threw a rock at our cousin and her eye swelled up and mum made us go to her house and apologise in the middle of the night. My sister was eight, i was five.

7. when my mum slapped me while naked and cold for putting soap in the bath and teaching my baby sister to skate. I was 9.

8. My dad hit me and i thought stretch marks were the scars from the beating until i learnt otherwise at 15.

9. I was the most liked in my class because i was smart in primary school.

10. i was a bully and hated the pretty girls in junior school.

11. when i told a kid in my class that Michael Jackson was my mum’s brother from a different mum just coz i had a really cool pen that i said he gave me.

12. i cried myself to sleep when i watched Michael Jackson concert in Bucharest.

13. i used to pretend to be dancing to Michael Jackson when i needed the loo.

14. i cut myself on my thigh on the sink trying to get collamine lotion when i had chicken pox. I was so scared to tell my mum because that was the same day i discovered condoms. I opened it and it was so slippery, i stuffed it back in. if i had shown them i had hurt myself, i would have been caught out. So i just put salt on it for three whole weeks and never said anything.

A2A

coNgratuLationS to U

There's hope. Now Jill has a baby boy she was told she could never have. What a miracle!!!!!It renewS me hope about A loT of thiNGs. God's coming through....

ThaNKingU,

I felt all gooey inside. I came home last night, opened my blog, and Alas…Comments! I rouged nah I tinted jus a little around the cheeks. I was so excited i had written something that ‘the Others’ read and commented on. I was so honored, elated even!

Two hours later, not so honored, rather, scared was I. Someone other than the one friend I had told about ilikemyself is going to read this. I became tense and so anxious I avoided my laptop the whole evening….well avoided looking at my page that is and froze all thoughts that began with ‘What shall I write about now?’ Have any of you bloggers gone through this? BLOGFRIGHT?

See, I fear my writing is going to be weighed and found ‘wanting’. I fear people may be offended and I will never be able to apologize enough or X-factor may catch wind of it and feel I misrepresented him. I wouldn’t want this to be like high school. Yep, high school was not my fave hangout. I won some friends, yet lost many. I loved some teachers, yet scared many. I don’t want to be in a sphere where I need to be appreciated or applauded for what I think/feel/how I express myself. I live in that atmosphere everyday and it exhausts me! So here I am accepting blog life as a place where I exhale, where I rest, where I can laugh at myself or even say my prayers.
*Side note: Sometimes, only sometimes though i feel as if my spirit is trapped by mine eyes, my education, my world’s laws and dress codes and I desperately need ways to just let it be. I say its trapped because when my heart beats faster about a thought, I instinctively retract the thought/ remove myself from the causal environment. And I muffle my cry and stifle my scream or swallow my laugh so I guess I am just blogging to let my spirit breathe, so I can breathe lighter. Then the other thing is the darn page will not let you leave until you have climaxed? Until you have brought light to that point, acknowledged that funny feeling dwelling in you and shed light on it and birthed it, with words. It just will not let you go that easily. I know because I have been trying to leave…

unpaCKing- Exes

1. We dated on/off for six years and even today if i think about him/even dream (idontknowYistilldream about him). …he calls or emails… telePAT HETIC! But its true, I think we will be connected beyond time. He has a gorgeous wife and two children whom he never told me about until a year ago sooo I wouldn’t take him back if the sun begged me.

2. I STALKED him and i pity the fool because back then, I had ENERGY, all that Keri Hilson-all of my energy business. I put it into getting him back. Like those bulldozers nothing would stand in my way. I fought others and him and myself that year. Of course, if you want to put your best foot forward to get a man back, don’t let it be your Psycho Terminator Foot! Needless to say, i finally got over him in the most ‘unconventional’ way by yep i said it…by getting under. I pray for him still, but I don’t reckon we can have a decent conversation again. Or we could…WHEN WE ARE FIFTY!

3. No WAY! U know when you trying to get back with someone only you think, its not getting them back, you think you are STILL in a relationship, then you find out that they had already broken up with you and you are now in BOOTY zone. Huh? He pulled a fast neat one on me..so i unpacked him a long time ago but it most definitely hurt for a while.

4. Final Ex-Straw. I messed up! I should never have ventured there. I had this Peter Pan image of him that he would grow up to be a really pleasant, fun and lovingme kind of guy. That he wouldn’t even change. Now i see he is just A guy…he is from the mal-communication non-commitant unconsciously-manipulative bloodline!

5. My Ex-files have been unloaded now. No more venturing backwards! Real love can only bring you to a place of learning and acceptance. Honestly, I think if i had never loved these people I would never have learntAthing…i would be bitter, offlove itself and be really destructive. But I did love them, SO I can walk away with my head held high and my eyes focused on G. If a man happens to walk up to me from the horizon, I have to ask him to step a little to the left and come at me from the side, because nothing should obstruct my G-view EVER again coz that’s how i get when in L. I rearrange my thoughts, personality, compromise my spirituality and standards for WHAT? A-soon-2-B-Ex.! No more VIP for you lot!

Next come, next served. (No more first come, first served).

A2A

unpaCKing Complex-ions

thanks to a friend, I now know what to do to move on..i need to carry my relationship suitcase and take everything out in order to pack all new things in the correct manner for the next journey. I will upack things sequentially, take a long look at them to see if they are too soiled to hold on to or just no longer necessary. i ll have a look to see if they are still necessary for the next leg or outdated...
So day 1:What shall i take out?

Unfortunately I can't delete my memory so lets look for an easier option...um well..okay i will take out complexion, yes the shade of the skin. I have always preferred light skinned men to darkskinned men, in fact, I preferred mix raced men to any other race. I associate them with love, honesty, romance and a little vulnerability because they don't really belong anywhere and also versatility, now it seems anywhere in Africa, they can be who they want to be: lovers, friends, white, black, indian, latino, gangster, softies, gay, straight and noone seems to judge them harshly. Their race rings of all sorts of potential, now they have Obama. Go figure. Anyway, I have a weakness for them. I like the contrast in complexions and obviously, selfish i know, but i like the way some wish they had the colouring that I do. I feel more appreciated. This skin holds me up, keeps my insides in and harm out on quite a large scale so of course I love it. But for someone to look at it and crave for it, oh it makes me feel good. To be loved for the colour of your skin amongst other things is cool with me, just don't hate me on that basis.....so light skinned brothers, i leave you here. I have loved you and admired you for a long time now. You have loved me back too, thank you but the fact that I am single today means that I have to shift gears, change lanes, or just become more open. Play on a bigger field, swim in the ocean so goodbye to my prejudiced self. One item down....whew.

A2A

So Simple

In L with the ex you see so i clearly have issues. Hope will sail past it coz it def would be:
It would be, it would be
It would be so simple
What it is
Aint what it was
What should it be
When it comes to you
And how it seems
Aint how it is
There's been a change
When it comes to me, yeah
Oh baby you, oh baby me
Oh maybe we can try another day, another way
All in my mind,
I'm wondering why,
We can not find what was left at the beginning
If I could
Need you again
Kiss you again
Kiss you again
It would be, it would be so simple
Cause I would love you again,
Hold you again,
Need you again
It would be, it would be,
Could it be, could it be so simple
Now it's hardly simple
It's just simply hard,

My-O-ma..im crazylikeyou.

its nearly that time again, when my mind swells with memories of you and they crowd out my sleep, forcing my tears out. i miss you so much. i miss your face. i miss your laugh. i miss your love. i miss your trying hard to get better. i miss your advice. you wiped away my tears with your smile, cradled my pain in your warm arms. i saw you last week in your son's eyes. he was looking into the distance and it looked like he was overflowing with wisdom and joy that they became slightly crooked, like yours would. then your first son gave me a 'moon of a hug', it felt like how christening should feel. nothing could dim your spark, you are the brightest star. since you have been gone, we laugh harder now, until it hurts. we make jokes about trees, cats, cows, anything really. we were never like that before. we are trying to fill this gap but its growing bigger. and some of us are falling in,these are your jokes we are telling, these are your children we are loving, your games we are reinventing, your face we are fighting to keep alive in our minds and our beings...but oh how it hurts to know we can't feel you, hear you nor need you. one sack has fallen of the donkey's cart, we are losing weight and the presence we once had on this earth because you are gone. it feels ridiculous to cry for you, just come back already. twist our turns Lady Chaos, Lady Love, Lady Charm. twist our turns.

kiss my nose, pat my back, tickle me then run away and hide under some linen, tiptoe behind me, surprise me, scream with me...live with me.

I won't say it..squeeze it out of me, tickle it out of me.NO! insert giggling, gasping,FINE! breathlessness. FINE,FINE! sigh, Goodbye. i love you. Goodbye. I need you.
A2A

ifeelthisishow G holdsmeup!

iGotlove4You

you keep saying you love me
yet nothing has changed.
you seem to doubt your own sincerity
so nothing changes,
nothing moves.
my heart stays here
my mind doesn't get swayed
and you keep saying you love me
yet you hold back hope,
and conversation and time
AND PLANS,
so nothing changes
i am not impressed nor motivated
i am not anxious nor elated
i am not gushing and telling my friends
but you keep saying you love me.
without works,
nothing changes.

then how can i possibly be longing to tell you i love you back

A2A

wHenIamTired,lemmelayhere...

things were extra simple and yet, we took them for granted. friendships, love and family were simple. we said what we meant and we lied about things we were scared to get a beating for, like if the sandwiches mum made were foul, horrible, inedible...not eating them would leave you begging for the Pearly Gates or worse begging for more of those sandwiches just to satisfy momma's ego and get her hand of the Behind. Nah my mom never beat me when i was young, just one look at her and i would eat all the mafufus and even if the dog, Tiger, came close enough to me so i could sneak it a bite, Never!!! I was so scared the dog would sell me out. i have three sisters and i was the snitch, if at any point i disobeyed, they would have gladly put me on the chopping block so I ate and hardly ever lied. now we lie to protect guilty, bitter and fearful people..people who are trapped in these GBF closets are not worth lying for. we betray our morals and our honest veins for them....once my friend asked me to tell her mum she was staying the night at my house so she could go out...that was the end of that friendship. But come on do not ask me to do something to your mother that I wouldn't do to mine. Of course, now i have lied to her a number of times...and each lie is followed by a confession a day, three weeks or even years later...and she takes it quite lightly. Like i get home drunk as a drunk person and smelly, smelly i say.i smell of dunhill blue, Johnny B, and other things...n she thought that it was the environment in which i had been socializing in...NOo, but i let her think that for a few months then well truth paid me a visit. And i had to tell her,anyway the point is people lie, we all lie, now to have to lie on behalf of another just makes things complicated..its soooo premeditated, Murder 1st degree to your character. Your poor unassuming, justtryingtobethebestyouitcanbe character. Nofair!

A2A

Dear Lord, I have been dumped!

Seriously Lord, I am scathing my knees wondering how my relationship has come to this. You have known me now for twenty five years now and You like me right? You think I am ok right? And You are perfect. Now Mr IAMSOHOT here walked into my life, and swept me off my feet and positioned me on this pedestal for two years now. He treated me well..gave me everything I asked of him and more. He surprised me with gifts and the the most hilarious anecdotes when I was down. Lord, I tried to keep my body off his...I fought my own wiles Lord and well.... And he said he was fine with it. He wanted to be blessed and not cursed by You so we played by the rules. Lord excuse me if I laugh here because I just remembered something....we weren't always good and I am sorry. Truly sorry.

Where was I? Dear Lord, I have been dumped and I want my fella back. I want him to laugh with me, to hold me and to keep me grounded. I want to see his serious face, and feel his gentleness. I just have to pause here, I remembered he pushed me once and I hurt my shoulder and one time, he said it took too long to 'please' me so he was looking out for his pleasure from then on....i should look out for mine.

But Lord, my parents..they really liked him. I mean they didn't approve of his clothes but they were going to look past it. My niece never took a liking to him and nearly soiled herself when she saw him with his hair undone...oh Lord he wasn't always smart was he?

He never showed up for my aunt's funeral or picked me up from the airport. He hardly calls when I ask him to and he yawns when we converse. He never came to church with me or prayed for me when I was sick. He got so drunk and nearly pushed me out of the car. He blacked out and still has no recollection of the day and the abuses he hurled.

Lord, You know he slept with his best friend's girl and we begun dating whilst they were still together. You didn't warn me that he was so callous. I don't know Lord how he can then get up and say its over when he wasn't in a position to play responsiblepants. It was for my good, he said. To move on...Lord the nerve of that guy to love me well and leave me like this...love me well? I have never smoked more cigarettes and never mind how he kept a bong beside my pillow underwhich he put his used 'gloves'. Oh ya he used to borrow cab fare each time he came over..yip I used to pay him did i not? And then he would ring from across oceans to make sure i stayed home and didn't go out with my friends so he would feel secure...that i wouldn't cheat on him.

nah i think the nutcase was dumped on me and now i have come to ask You why....the universe dumped that turd on me. I hate to lose but i am glad i am free. thanking you for opening my eyes and getting me dumped. If left to me, I would still be getting up tomorrow making him scrambled eggs, polishing his shoes and watching him lay on his back and rubbing his potbelly...

In your son's name,

thank you and amen.