Rambling 16 hours and 30 minutes before my results

I went for dinner with a couple who were so hilarious and loving tonight. At first, I thought it would be so awkward because of my 'Single-party of one' status but they were so welcoming. I swear these two love each other so much that you cannot, even for a millisecond, think they can possibly not love you. Their love is overflowing #truestory. 

We spoke of our pet peeves, our joys, our concerns, our fears, our worlds and I didn't feel less smarter than them at all because the root of the conversation was us. The conversation that took place was from our own point of views rather than from what the media, the school or just society dictates. I didn't feel like I repeated myself about certain issues or better still, I didn't feel like I echoed anyone else. I felt like an interesting individual and I thought of both of them in the same way too.

I get to know my results for my course at 4.30pm tomorrow and I am a little worried to be honest but the God in me is saying I am going to be fine no matter what the outcome is. Normally (since last year really), I could just close my eyes and see the expression I would have after obtaining the result: like if the results were going to be good; I would see myself smiling or there will be certain positive words. But today, I see nothing. In fact, I don't want to see any images because I know I won't believe them. If its a happy face, I think I will probably find some other explanation for it and if its a crying face, I will explain it away again so yup here I am...'an unknowing fool' because I choose not to know.What I do know is that the Lord I know and serve (well mostly try to serve) is faithful in all regards and He will continue to lead me by green pastures AND quiet waters AND make me surefooted as the deer. Beyond and during tomorrow, He Is. I am in no place to doubt His provision for my life. 

Father Almighty. You are Lord of heaven and earth. You can move mountains and change hearts of kings. You love us and sacrificed Your Son for us. Today, I come  to you, a sinner, who manages time pretty badly, who doesn't regularly seek you and sometimes holds an unforgiving heart. You know these things about me yet you love me and have made me righteous and worthy to come to You in Your Son's name.  Thank you for sustaining me all these days of my life. Today I would like to pray for my results: that my parents  and I will be happy tomorrow after I receive and tell them my results Father. Lord, I would like to celebrate and be joyful tomorrow so I seek Your mercy upon me Father. I seek Your favour upon my life. I seek your reassurance and a peace that surpasses all my understanding as I leave my concerns in Your hands. I am in awe of you Father. I lift Your Holy Name above my fears, above all things. I will raise my hands and praise Your Mighty Name because You are good. In Jesus' Name I pray..Amen!!

Ok I am crashing now...the hubby of the lovely couple made a quiche and chocolate and custard pudding so I am crashing after a very high 'high' from the chocolate so will have to leave it here for now

Toodles my lovelies

Remember owe nothing to each other except to love. Rom 13-8.

P.S.. I had not known that my ramblings would end up as a prayer but hey. He is a God after our own hearts. He takes us to the heart of the matter even when we haven't a clue what we will find there, He knows.

Why?

Foundation Ambassadors from EGPAF on Vimeo.

Since completing exams, I have been battling with a question my parents paid 'all these monies' for me to be able to answer...Why do I want to be a Health Economist? Why did I choose this career path? Sure, I wrote a personal statement declaring how tired I was of watching people I loved dearly die around me due to insufficient healthcare..and how I wanted citizens of 'developing nations' to have the same healthcare available to those in more developed 'Western' nations. Alas, I find that these people whinge about their waiting times, timely access to dental care and other stuff  and some even die without care as wealthy as these nations are and sadly, I got disoriented and offtrack. I switched off, I stopped caring about my purpose after this degree and soon, all I wanted to achieve was a PASS (just to get through it) so I could get my degree and get on the next boat out of this country. 

I applied for a job last year, got an interview, BUT found that the only people in my course who got these positions to work in these developed nations as advisors were  'these people I wasn't comfortable with walking around in my backyard dishing out advice'. This just made me resent my course even more. Had bouts of depression, loneliness, brokenness too and I shunned my priorities to the back of mind-->lay in my bed, watched movies, tweeted, ate mostly ice-cream, takeouts, attended the regular Thursday Bible study meetings because I was chairing the meetings so I had to go...hated most minutes of my course and hated every inch of myself for wasting such a dream and opportunity. BLAH BLAH (obviously not all the time though *slight exaggeration*).

LSS: Today, I stand on the brink of receiving my exam results and I am hoping I passed, not only to please my parentals, but especially to walk in my purpose once again because I got my heart back, I got the passion back to not only pursue my dreams but to also help others live and realise theirs. How? Well, the pressure of applying for jobs and tailoring the CV, surveying organisations etc reminded me that God's plan for me was a not-for-profit plan. I have to keep walking that path and I am so at peace knowing that I may never 'abound' and probably will be 'abased' most of the time but I will be blessed and be a blessing even if I am a wandering preaching Health Economist. (At some point, you have to stop pretending that you don't know what your calling is and just get on with it).

Lord, I am just Tendayi and yet you purposed me to be here and to achieve Your plans. You carved this heart that beats beneath my skin...You created ths mind and the body it is in...Everything within me recognises Your Hand in my life..I never should have made it, I never would have made it and I have given myself every reason to doubt my own strength, my own willpower but there is no reason whatsoever to doubt Yours so make me a channel of Your purpose for myself and others. Amen.

FIRST STOP RWANDA...If I say it then I can start believing and planning for it. I am ready now! Let's Go!

PLUS I need to stop getting distracted by this relationship thing and truth be told, I am not ready to SETTLE DOWN. If Sir Right walked in today, I will probably leave him at the door to go and play with my Nephs and Nieces. So yup Mr Man, slow your roll....I am busy!

today's lesson: craving the Word

The thing is I love tea and chocolate and I crave these things only so often coz half the time I am already having them so never have a chance to miss them. When I don't have my tea, I am a little lethargic, headachy and p'd off and when I don't have chocolate....whell, i have turbulent emotions seriously. Anyway I realised that, when I am not nsync with the Lord, my craving for His word manifests in other ways too....emotional upsets, anxety, doubt, loneliness blah blah.It is true man cannot live on bread alone! Remain in the Word and He will remain in you and things of this world will hardly make a dent in your life. I will no longer deny myself of the good things God has given me.

God! What do you want from me???

In more serious affairs, i feel like i am not praying enough or God is telling me something cause I haven't gotten the things i have been asking for recently. I just don't feel that Him and I are insync because the recent occurences haven't brought me joy or delight as God's reigning Hand on my life should....I find myself screaming, shouting and absolutely enraged at the turns I am having to make....I am constantly asking Lord, what's the reason? What's the purpose? Others have also been dealt a pretty unexpected hand but in less than a night, it has turned around to something really blessed for them. Lord I need to see Your face in this, I can see Your Hand only as far as my eyes can see but I need to see the expression on Your face saying its cool, its alright, I know what I am doing...I am tired of smiling outwardly and professing faith in other people's situations but never really in my own circumstance. All the while, I am scratching  and pulling at the walls of my insides in anguish...I want to be happy for me too!

AVERAGERamblings

I used to sing along to 5'5" with brown eyes with so much pride, until I realised I may just be A 4'5" without my heels on. I used to base my career on what others said I would be. No one said I would be a doctor, a teacher, a singer, a poet, a survivor until now. Lord, All these possibilities, options, choices #pickone for me. I have all these things I strive to be and they barely reflect the passion that is within me. I know I don't need to be the top of my class, i no longer feel the need to impress upon others, my intelligence haha. I feel I already did that and a few people bought it. In some people's books, i am etched as the smart one. But now I minimize that idea, without any effort at all. In some circles, i am the religious one because I pray, i encourage, i bless, i read, i lead but i really don't always have my quiet time or read the Bible. I actually round up most of my day in unproductiveness and star gazing rather than praise, prayer and worship. Others may see an Afrocentric girl who likes the African jewellery, music, attires but I admire Gucci and Manolos too. (I have an eye for shoes and a purse that doesn't do my taste any credit).

I want to be famous for something but I feel that is selfish of me to think that because the things that the Lord has made me concerned about, can only humble me, rather than propel me into a world where I can be celebrated...Should God put me onto such a platform, will I celebrate Him or will I be torn apart under the bright lights?..But imagine, how great it would be if i actually remained decent, God filled, yet on a bigger budget and more exposure for whatever Greatness that has been impressed upon me.? Well, its pretty dormant right now (this greatness), though.

I wish I could put my finger on it. Figure out what I need to tap into so I can release an outflow of my blessings in the manner I was intended to. 'God doesn't give you a dream to taunt you' as i have heard so maybe I really will not be average for ever...

If you are Tired of feeling ordinary today....Please know that (as God just told me after my rambling) You don't always have to look outward-to other people and their situations- to see where you could be in the future or where you think you should be now. You can look at all the matters of you and wonder with excitement about where it will all lead. Remember that the Hands that made you can take you anywhere and through anything. And this is the ultimate purpose- that you voyage with God.

Sidebar: What is the purpose of water?

Water provides a balance in the body – homeostasis. It provides an absorption of the water-soluble substances, transportation of the nutritive to the target cells and the excretion of waste products of the metabolisms of the body (http://www.weightlossunit.com/Pages/Healthy_eating_articles/role_of_water_in_human_body.html)

Now when Jesus says He is the water of life, and if we drink from Him, we will no longer thirst basically means that His purpose would be to bring to our systems all those things that are God-soluble: i.e. things approved by the Lord that are noble, righteous, good, peaceful, joyful, full of love etc.....He will take them to all the areas of our lives where they are needed....then take all the foulness, crazy, played out, destructive crap out. Wow, so I need to take a sip of Jesus clearly for all the above reasons, I guess.

LovePrayerBlessings upon all your lives so that the Water that gives you life everlasting may do what it needs to do, so you can be who you need to be...

Talkoum

 

Midnight Prayer

I am not strong enough to keep going down this road

Watching memories fleet by

Watching my dreams become dimmer and dimmer

Where is my glow?

Where is my hope?

Where is my focus?

Where am I going wrong?

They say breathe;

Then Lord carry my breath,

From my lungs so I can exhale.

They say keep walking;

Then Lord steady my legs.

They say stop crying;

Then Lord wipe away my fears

I am not strong enough to keep going down this way,

Lord, ready my place in tomorrow,

For surely the troubles of yesterday,

Surely Lord,

They are done with me.

thAt devil IS a LiaR! GOD is A Victor!

God is good and something in the air is trying to make me feel otherwise but He reigns, He is my King, mine. He loves me for my sake.He stays with me for my sake. He forgives me for my sake. He gives for my sake. He frees for my sake. He lived for my sake. He died for my sake. He rose again for my sake. Nothing can prosper unless its from Him. The victory belongs to Him. The tears can come. He will wipe them away. The pain can come and He will comfort me. I shall not fear nor be overcome! I refuse, in your name Jesu. My faith in my King suffices to wash over this fear. Talitha Koum, He says. I rise my Lord. I rise! Amen!

As for you, how dare you try and take my joy! How dare you use my aunt’s memory to weaken me! How dare you use family against family! How dare you use our desires as the foundations of our graves when they are meant to establish our homes and our dreams! How dare you twist them! There is no room for you here. Take your greed, take your lust, take your unforgiveness, take your selfishness, take your arrogance, take your cruelty, take your unhelpfulness, take your fear, take your anxiety, take your pride.

I am no fool, I have sought wise counsel and I have gained knowledge and affirmation that my God is my Keeper, my Shelter, my Harbour. You thought I would bury my head, binge drink or eat huh? curse God and die...pssh you have left me where I need to be….on my knees, a little broken, contrite and humbled! But As I rise, I know I am stronger for I am full of His Spirit. It never wanes like you. you are fickle and His Spirit is true. Get thee behind me! Get thee behind us!

My Lord, My God. You have not forsaken me. I breathe still. Glory2God!

ByE ByE Grudge!!!

It has been gnawing at me for some time now, that I am about 20 steps behind my gurl. She is well on her way to the 2.5 children, after having already signed the deal to be married to a hot-sturdy-employed-black man. She has completed a Masters Program and works behind a 5 foot desk with an executive leather swivel chair. Her assistant and her dreams are at her beck and call.

The Green-eyed monster says, “And HERE you are!”

“But I have always known that my current job was just a stepping stone to the freedom of financial success”, I reason, “And will one day open the door to a hefty paying job”, I add.

I have already begun to make the necessary expansion plans toward success. I have applied to universities with the courses which appeal to me. Until recently, I was anxiously anticipating their replies and am now gallantly receiving them. My mind was (as skilful as any recovering low-esteemed person’s mind would be) prepared for the rejections from all four universities but I have received three replies ranging from conditional offers to definite offers…the when-will-you-come-already? replies.

I honestly never anticipated choices. The dilemma lies wherein I have to choose ONE! And my criterion of choice, until this morning, was to go to the highest ranked university of the lot. So, I obligingly googled them: My first preference naturally was the A league one. Number 2 and 3 were closely listed….quite a difficult one to call. And the last one was actually my favourite yet the lowest ranked. It is also located in the capital city and it would have been absolutely expensive and distractive to study there. So it’s clearly a toss up between #2 and #3. Blaaaaaaaaah! So how do I choose?

When I laid my head to sleep last night, I had a light bulb moment (very inappropriate because I was so sleepy and did not need my mind turning on lights!). I didn’t want to go to #2 or #3 because my aforementioned friend went to one of them and of course. Yep my subconscious confronted me and declared that I believed I was better than my gurl in spite of all her achievements. It’s true! I had told myself over and over again after she had jumped over each hurdle that I was still smarter. I was more well behaved. I was better FULL STOP. Yet, I have always felt like each time I was about to embark on something, she had already gone before me. The good, the bad and the ugly! She has an adventurous spirit, my gurl does. And now this! I wanted to set my own perimeters and challenges and AGAIN I find that she has accosted them all. What is left for me? Not even a university, I thought.

The shame woke up with me today, and although I really wanted to write a hilarious article or a list of my dreams…I had to deal with this first. I had to confront the Who-Is-Greater complex similar to the one the disciples had. He, who wants to be considered first, must be ready to wash others' feet and be prepared to be last! With this realization, I unsaddled my high horse and got on my knees as I was confronted with the knowledge that I am not greater/better than her. Great, Yes. (And only because Jesus died4me). Greater, Nah!

LongStoryShort: I am human. I am God’s responsibility. This is why He gave me the Holy Spirit and the Bible. His divine purpose is my calling. I need to pursue it with an open and grateful heart. I am not better than any of my friends for we are all great. Only one Jesus died for each of us..not 514 different “Jesuses” depending on each person’s worth. ONE! I will be proud and excited to walk the route where others have been positioned for His blessing. Ultimately, God chooses our routes. I am sorry I was jealous boo. You deserve abundant goodness just like I do. And you have received goodness just like I have. I, on the other hand, need to learn to abound and to be abased and not to use your life as a measure of mine. I need to be content with my person, my goals, and my life so I don’t overshadow your blessings with my insecurity. I look forward to celebrating your every breath and step on God’s highway to His Kingdom.

I have laid my grudge down now, it was keeping my mind and head full….Lord, I am ready to receive your blessing now.

A2A


God's growing my standards,my expectations, my love, my choices, my mind every single day. I can no longer be contained by my past so I DO have to let go of the bad stuff I am holding on to. Its true, I am not a compost heap or a recycling bin. Grudge In, Grudge Out Full Stop! My past is already one day short, it can't contain me. Clearly, I am enjoying the sound of my own voiceInmyHead but its true, yesterday is a day short...I can never go BACK! I don't wan2 shortchange myself by going back there. I AM FrEE!

my faTHer, my Son

Dear Lord, I appreciate You so much because no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing…You are within. Today, I spoke words I am otherwise incapable of speaking. I spoke them to myself. Firstly you reminded me of how You use the foolish things of the world to bring wisdom to man. I thought of my father and how i desperately longed for him to wake up and receive Your Grace and feel Your Gentleness and Goodness and to have renewed hope and direction. You answered, ‘It is Done’. I had an unnatural image in my head of my own father becoming my son. It seemed wrong on so many levels. And then You spoke into me. Your words reached the tips of my fingers and made them tingle. They rose up to the corners of my mouth and made me smile. What is it, they say about Your Word? It separates the soul from the spirit. Your word pervaded my entire body and I began to laugh.
 
My father, my son…
Dad,I would like to show you
How beautiful the world is
How beautiful you have made it for me
I would like to thank you
You have worked very hard for me
And I have received the best education
And slept in the most comfortable beds.
You have grown up for me,
So much that you have learnt to discipline me with a mere look
And encourage me with a hug.
You have also failed for me,
To show me that it is human to err
And that we all have days numbered past our mistakes.
You have loved for me,
By caring for your parents as they aged
Taking others' children under your wings.
And of course, you married my mother….
You have lived for me, dad,
And I thank you.
Now as i grow, take the limits off yourself:
Work, love, live, grow, and err for God.
I am learning too and I can show you some tricks or two.
Firstly, abandon us and yourself to His Mercy
Open yourself to the prospect of a New Hand writing your will
And designing your life.
Shake all the remnants off from your past…all things dad.
And He will reorder them for you
You don’t have to be lost anymore
My father, my son..

In Him, I promise, you will be found.

A2A

unpaCKing- Exes

1. We dated on/off for six years and even today if i think about him/even dream (idontknowYistilldream about him). …he calls or emails… telePAT HETIC! But its true, I think we will be connected beyond time. He has a gorgeous wife and two children whom he never told me about until a year ago sooo I wouldn’t take him back if the sun begged me.

2. I STALKED him and i pity the fool because back then, I had ENERGY, all that Keri Hilson-all of my energy business. I put it into getting him back. Like those bulldozers nothing would stand in my way. I fought others and him and myself that year. Of course, if you want to put your best foot forward to get a man back, don’t let it be your Psycho Terminator Foot! Needless to say, i finally got over him in the most ‘unconventional’ way by yep i said it…by getting under. I pray for him still, but I don’t reckon we can have a decent conversation again. Or we could…WHEN WE ARE FIFTY!

3. No WAY! U know when you trying to get back with someone only you think, its not getting them back, you think you are STILL in a relationship, then you find out that they had already broken up with you and you are now in BOOTY zone. Huh? He pulled a fast neat one on me..so i unpacked him a long time ago but it most definitely hurt for a while.

4. Final Ex-Straw. I messed up! I should never have ventured there. I had this Peter Pan image of him that he would grow up to be a really pleasant, fun and lovingme kind of guy. That he wouldn’t even change. Now i see he is just A guy…he is from the mal-communication non-commitant unconsciously-manipulative bloodline!

5. My Ex-files have been unloaded now. No more venturing backwards! Real love can only bring you to a place of learning and acceptance. Honestly, I think if i had never loved these people I would never have learntAthing…i would be bitter, offlove itself and be really destructive. But I did love them, SO I can walk away with my head held high and my eyes focused on G. If a man happens to walk up to me from the horizon, I have to ask him to step a little to the left and come at me from the side, because nothing should obstruct my G-view EVER again coz that’s how i get when in L. I rearrange my thoughts, personality, compromise my spirituality and standards for WHAT? A-soon-2-B-Ex.! No more VIP for you lot!

Next come, next served. (No more first come, first served).

A2A