I felt all gooey inside. I came home last night, opened my blog, and Alas…Comments! I rouged nah I tinted jus a little around the cheeks. I was so excited i had written something that ‘the Others’ read and commented on. I was so honored, elated even!
Two hours later, not so honored, rather, scared was I. Someone other than the one friend I had told about ilikemyself is going to read this. I became tense and so anxious I avoided my laptop the whole evening….well avoided looking at my page that is and froze all thoughts that began with ‘What shall I write about now?’ Have any of you bloggers gone through this? BLOGFRIGHT?
See, I fear my writing is going to be weighed and found ‘wanting’. I fear people may be offended and I will never be able to apologize enough or X-factor may catch wind of it and feel I misrepresented him. I wouldn’t want this to be like high school. Yep, high school was not my fave hangout. I won some friends, yet lost many. I loved some teachers, yet scared many. I don’t want to be in a sphere where I need to be appreciated or applauded for what I think/feel/how I express myself. I live in that atmosphere everyday and it exhausts me! So here I am accepting blog life as a place where I exhale, where I rest, where I can laugh at myself or even say my prayers.
*Side note: Sometimes, only sometimes though i feel as if my spirit is trapped by mine eyes, my education, my world’s laws and dress codes and I desperately need ways to just let it be. I say its trapped because when my heart beats faster about a thought, I instinctively retract the thought/ remove myself from the causal environment. And I muffle my cry and stifle my scream or swallow my laugh so I guess I am just blogging to let my spirit breathe, so I can breathe lighter. Then the other thing is the darn page will not let you leave until you have climaxed? Until you have brought light to that point, acknowledged that funny feeling dwelling in you and shed light on it and birthed it, with words. It just will not let you go that easily. I know because I have been trying to leave…
In person, I am quite pleasant (yes, I was a waitress/mistress during my student career) so I can carry a conversation with a stranger. I am the epitome of LOL, seriously I am. I am proud of my pearly whites and fillings too, so you will be able to laugh with me. I am extremely sensitive to sorrow and pain so I will genuinely empathize with you and sincerely offer advice when asked. I feel like I am on my sixth life now because I have lived through some Godisgoodcrazy stuff so you can share a lot with me. JUS THAT WHEN U JUDGE ME, please don’t feel the need to TELL ME. I don’t completely know who I am yet, I wouldn’t want you to scare the bitThatIdoknow away.
Clearly, I know what needs to be taken out of the suitcase. Insecurrity! Maybe this is something that comes with being in a new territory because I am pretty sure I was very confident just the other day….Straaaaaaange.