I used to sing along to 5'5" with brown eyes with so much pride, until I realised I may just be A 4'5" without my heels on. I used to base my career on what others said I would be. No one said I would be a doctor, a teacher, a singer, a poet, a survivor until now. Lord, All these possibilities, options, choices #pickone for me. I have all these things I strive to be and they barely reflect the passion that is within me. I know I don't need to be the top of my class, i no longer feel the need to impress upon others, my intelligence haha. I feel I already did that and a few people bought it. In some people's books, i am etched as the smart one. But now I minimize that idea, without any effort at all. In some circles, i am the religious one because I pray, i encourage, i bless, i read, i lead but i really don't always have my quiet time or read the Bible. I actually round up most of my day in unproductiveness and star gazing rather than praise, prayer and worship. Others may see an Afrocentric girl who likes the African jewellery, music, attires but I admire Gucci and Manolos too. (I have an eye for shoes and a purse that doesn't do my taste any credit).
I want to be famous for something but I feel that is selfish of me to think that because the things that the Lord has made me concerned about, can only humble me, rather than propel me into a world where I can be celebrated...Should God put me onto such a platform, will I celebrate Him or will I be torn apart under the bright lights?..But imagine, how great it would be if i actually remained decent, God filled, yet on a bigger budget and more exposure for whatever Greatness that has been impressed upon me.? Well, its pretty dormant right now (this greatness), though.
I wish I could put my finger on it. Figure out what I need to tap into so I can release an outflow of my blessings in the manner I was intended to. 'God doesn't give you a dream to taunt you' as i have heard so maybe I really will not be average for ever...
If you are Tired of feeling ordinary today....Please know that (as God just told me after my rambling) You don't always have to look outward-to other people and their situations- to see where you could be in the future or where you think you should be now. You can look at all the matters of you and wonder with excitement about where it will all lead. Remember that the Hands that made you can take you anywhere and through anything. And this is the ultimate purpose- that you voyage with God.
Sidebar: What is the purpose of water?
Water provides a balance in the body – homeostasis. It provides an absorption of the water-soluble substances, transportation of the nutritive to the target cells and the excretion of waste products of the metabolisms of the body (http://www.weightlossunit.com/Pages/Healthy_eating_articles/role_of_water_in_human_body.html)
Now when Jesus says He is the water of life, and if we drink from Him, we will no longer thirst basically means that His purpose would be to bring to our systems all those things that are God-soluble: i.e. things approved by the Lord that are noble, righteous, good, peaceful, joyful, full of love etc.....He will take them to all the areas of our lives where they are needed....then take all the foulness, crazy, played out, destructive crap out. Wow, so I need to take a sip of Jesus clearly for all the above reasons, I guess.
LovePrayerBlessings upon all your lives so that the Water that gives you life everlasting may do what it needs to do, so you can be who you need to be...



MeNtaL cLoSuRe

I just need a break thats all. I need to be about a few important things before I get involved in a lot of things.

Love you too much Ordinaros

C Ya L8R

PS. I am not depressed. I just need to be still for a minute so I can let God be God.


World AIDS Day 2009

Words cannot describe the joy I feel as i commemorate this day...Is it a holiday? No! A birthday? No. It’s the day I get to think of all the loved ones I have lost to this disease. Today is the day where I get to fight it through spoken word, through actions and advice.

I can tell the people I care about to be wary of their actions, I can say CONDOMISE, without feeling embarrassed. I can say husbands- love only your wives and have sex only with your wives. I can say women submit only to your husbands sexually. Of course, there are other matters to be discussed about faithfulness and loyalty but not today....these things are not up for discussion, they are only UP FOR ACTION.

I know of men and women who may have begun having sex in their early teens/whenever...today is not the day for judging anyone, it’s the day for saying- Be wise, protect yourself and protect your lover. I know people who have one night stands- today is for saying, if you are not sure what they are carrying in their pockets, you can’t know what they have in their bodies- PROTECT YOURSELF.

I know of pregnant women who are HIV positive- this is not the day to be afraid but to receive information on drugs like Nevirapine, information about prevention from Mother- to-Child. This is a day to see that there are many children who have been born Virus free because of these drugs and are living long healthy lives.

I know of people who have cheated in their marriages/relationships and contracted the disease. This is a day to tell you that hospitals, clinics have information on ARVs and proper diet plans to help you live a happy healthy life.

I know of people who think WHY BOTHER if they are going to die anyway- this is a most beautiful day to tell you, you can talk to someone: a doctor, a friend, a therapist, the Lord, a priest- because HIV/AIDS is not frowned upon anymore. People have loads of information so they will not discriminate against you. There are ways to break habits without breaking your spirit so LISTEN today.

I know of young teens who are thinking- to have SEX or NOT to have sex- try to abstain. Draw from resources of how others have managed to stay celibate even when they have boyfriends or girlfriends...today is the day to ASK and SPEAK about it.

I know of people who contracted the virus through drug use...this is the day to find out where to get new unused syringes. Those who prostitute, find out how to be more careful when turning tricks or even how to get an income without turning tricks. This is the day.

To a child playing amongst his/her friends knowing he is different from others because he is carrying HIV. There is hope and there are treatments so you can have a wonderful healthy full life.

To the child who thinks they can only watch their parents die because they are infected, today is the day when people are shoving information about forgiveness, hope, love and treatments for your family. You only need to get one pamphlet, in fact grab them all. There's no shame in knowing too much.

For each person-today is a day to celebrate awareness, life and refreshed hope.

God Bless you all Ordinaros




Midnight Prayer

I am not strong enough to keep going down this road
Watching memories fleet by
Watching my dreams become dimmer and dimmer
Where is my glow?
Where is my hope?
Where is my focus?
Where am I going wrong?
They say breathe;
Then Lord carry my breath,
From my lungs so I can exhale.
They say keep walking;
Then Lord steady my legs.
They say stop crying;
Then Lord wipe away my fears
I am not strong enough to keep going down this way,
Lord, ready my place in tomorrow,
For surely the troubles of yesterday,
Surely Lord,
They are done with me.


Foony Thing.....

This morning, I felt a deep need to pray for my better half and I wrote a reminder in my journal

I did nothing about it until this evening after having a conversation with my friend about a guy I fancied whom I feel would never be my type because we come from such different backgrounds. He hustles basically and his academic career probably ended at A levels, by choice I presume, because his father is the Chairman of He-BETTER-GET-HIS-BEHIND-BACK-TO-SCHOOL so really it would have been his choice right? Here I am secretly fostering a plan to go do a PhD afterward. How will we work around that? Yes I jumped plenty of steps...but I am a planner like that. I can pretend not to care and wing it and flirt with him like a house on fire but that will do me no good because that's my heart on the line so meThinks choose now, decide now whether to feel or not to feel past friendship...but these feelings are working overtime I tell you. It seems my mind took an extra long lunch break too (which is why I am laying here, typing, instead of studying COMPACTNESS, OPEN SETS, BLAH BLAH)

Anyway, while speaking to my good friend, I mentioned that I liked this guy so much that one day, I slept at one in the afternoon just to get him off my brain...of course i met him in my dreams..aaagh. Earlier today,I called my cousin and "him" happened to be in the room too (MIND OUT OF GUTTER-they were in an office with 5-10 other people present, okay maybe 2-6 people) so she matchmakerly invited him into the conversation on loudspeaker!!! And 'the fool' (term of endearment) says 'Hesi baby' and i full-on giggled. I couldn't say anything other than hey back after that...I seriously need to start dating or mingling more because I can't keep acting the fool, trippin' over what some guys say...its not really some guys-ITS JUST THIS GUY!

So i told my friend how i felt and how it couldn't be and she led me toward praying for him..you know for him to succeed in his endeavors and to become the man he is meant to be and to just persevere no matter what hardships he may face. I prayed for him after dinner...then i looked at my journal tonight and there it was, pray for your hubby. IS THIS A SIGN?


Lessons from July

In the last few months, I have learnt: (NB:YOU=ME not anybody's toolkit just one i need to remind myself about)

Choose wisely what you pursue because it will determine your character. Choose wisely how you pursue it, that reflects your personality.

Perseverance produces character...Perseverance can just mean continuance in prayer. Battles/wars can be won on your knees.

Falling in love involves a lot of self control and wisdom. I am pretty sure that it is possible to disengage the lust gear before it is too late. if you find you are falling, use WISDOM as your landing gear. You always know better.

God knows you better so He should tell you what to do...

Habits can be broken.

One must desist from insisting that they are entitled to something.

Asking/Requesting produces humility, absolutely refines the character, demanding on the other hand....well

Wrestling and waiting for His blessing, for His hand to open strengthens one's resolve and faith. Its almost silly to give up when you know that He has heard every cry and seen every tear you have shed then to just walk away in hopelessness/defeat is 'like a kick in His teeth'. Why ask God for anything if you do not Expect it? He most certainly answers fervent prayers from earnest/righteous persons.

Why bother pursuing Plan B if you are praying for Plan A? Faith is like putting your eggs in one basket. Then asking God to carry it....His hands are rock steady. What may seem like your everything crashing down could just be Him spring cleaning...

Align your will to God's so you know what to ask for, or pursue or say or enjoy...

By engaging in conversation with Him from the OT through to the NT, He is constantly revealing Himself...His mercy, His humor, His love, His grace, His plan...

He says knock and it will be opened. He knows to give better gifts than our own earthly fathers so Trust Him when you seek Him. Trust Him when You ask Him.

Remember His will is Perfect. Ask for His will to be done. It is a sure thing!

There may be pain/breakups/tremendous soulshaking changes but it is designed in a way that you will rise from the pits and be prosperous. Have faith in your Almighty Father.

Never stop loving or believing that He has begun His work in you and He will as sure as day finish it! Your desire, dreams, ideas are by His design-now if you only let Him use this tapestry for the purpose for which He created it...WOW!

Have hope. Hope is the cord that keeps one moment attached to the next, much like the umbilical cord from a foetus to the life supply (mother). Hope keeps you close to God.

Faith is a reliable "currency". To speak to God, you have to go by faith that He hears you right? By faith we are saved. Faith is a strong belief. Faith sometimes feels like it has its own bloodstream. In the worst conditions, faith allows you to see past them, gives you strength and draws out a path along which you can reach a good place. It is important that your faith be full ALWAYS! Feed it. Don't inflate it when you know you feel like your hanging from a string or its waning. Nourish it with verses, prayers, stories from your past/others' stories. Ask God to add on to it that you may be encouraged in all things...Faith really is the substance of things hoped for! This faith is in the Lord who never fails..like how the USD used to be-a reliable medium of exchange. If you go to God with faith, well, just remember the woman who bled for 12 years. Her faith saved her when she touched Jesus' garment. Faith is a powerful currency.

Fasting focuses your mind on God. It allows you to feel weak in the flesh and feed your appetite spiritually. How we should be everyday really..knowing our weakness and strengthening ourselves with the Word.

Remember that we are all unique. Give place to respect rather than gossip.

Feel free not to judge. We are, after all, different.

Say Sorry.


Dear This Man
This man who was loved by the Lord so much, he was blessed with the ability to lead a group, which prayed for me and blessed me with their faith as I walked toward the journey of my salvation. This man who I began going to church for (seriously)because I had a crush on him. This man who was such a great example of a good man that he began the process of restoring my faith in the hope that this generation of men was indeed promised to God. This man, Thank you for your faith, thank you for the lessons, Thank you for being one of God’s many instruments toward Jesus.

Dear This Girl
This girl who loved God so much, she never gave up on me. This girl who stayed and honored me with her hope even when I blatantly did wrong. This girl who held my confessions close to her heart and kept them between God and herself. This girl who gave me a bed to lay on when I had none. This girl who opened up her home, her pantry, her life to witness to me. This girl who stands by me even when we are apart. This girl who mirrors God’s joyful spirit and this very Joy, healed my once wounded spirit. Thank you for your willingness to follow God’s footsteps so I could follow you through my admiration of your willpower to the Lord’s cross.

Dear God
There are many ways to get to the steeple, and many ways to enter the church doors, and one narrow way to enter into heaven. I thank You that Jesus found me in spite of myself and the distractions I tried to create or momentarily(22years!)submitted to. Your will prevails always. I like Your will because its designed to prosper me and everyone else.You are faithful, even when I am not. You lead me even when I hesitate to follow. You are patient. You are kind and gracious even if I am undeserving. God, YOu are holy and mighty and yet You are with mere-me. You are unbelievably believable! Wow. Amen

All my love and appreciation,



SiblinG BibalRy

i had written a very 'flowery' introduction in a bid to justify my behaviour and I have decided to delete it. Well, because I am trying to stop throwing these pity parties..i don't like the people who come and I especially don't enjoy attending them. I had an argument with my elder sister=number 2 sis!

My weakness is raising my voice in confrontations of any kind. In an argument setting, I can feel my voice rising and I become a bit pitchy but I CANNOT stop it. I find that those who stay calm and deliberately lower their intonations appear to be the more intelligent side and their arguments always seem more well composed. My pitch, on the other hand, rises and the more I need to say, the squeakier it becomes..in the end, I shriek away my sensible defense. Noone pays attention after that and they start on the Tantrum Approach they used on me since i was about 12. Do you have to shout? Could you not have told me earlier if that was how you felt? Can you be more respectful? And here I am, trying to bring the best of my argument skillZ to the table waitered on by the Pacifier herself!

How do I say lets start over and please pay attention when she is on the winning end of the race because she got me squealing and frazzled? (Will she really be prepared to lose marks so we can solve this?) How do I start again when I am trying to walk away and she keeps asking these questions to which I have no answers at the time...I want to address the issue and she wants to undress it and uncover all the underlying issues that led up to the event. (Here I launched into another miserable pity patry so i had to DELETE- excuse the unflowy nature of this post. I am venting)BLAH BLAH until she asks "oh but are we arguing? I thought we were just talking and you started yelling at me". I must say I felt like she started ALL THIS with her Queen of Passive Agressivo act and we were in this argument together. Even hush hush tones spoken out of tension qualify as part of an argument-the point is we were in it together and she pulled the 21 questions card instead of just "playing along".


The strangest thing happenZ when faced with MortaLitY
I woke up today and I had a splitting headache, in fact it was splitting only that it was dividing the right side of my head from the left side. It was the left side that was aching. It was like bubbles of pain rising from one arm through to the base of my head and proliferating in my eyeball. Agh, I couldn’t toss nor turn, I had to keep my head steady and then when there was a split second of painlessness, I grabbed my panadols and drowned them with cool water then AAAAAAAH, it came again. The supposed source of my healing spiraled me into further pain. After five minutes, I reluctantly got up to run my bath water.Yes, I was going to go to work. I told mum that I had a headache when I couldn’t even lift my head from my shoulder…It was the worst 30 minutes of my day and I still wanted to go to work!


Gender MensiTive

I need to be sensitive to Men so I am dedicating good, noble, kind, virtuous, mature, hopeful thoughts and actions to the Men I encounter. I heard from mum that the only reason I must look down on someone is to help them up so I am choosing to be mensitive today..

I have a huge “crush” on these families on facebook. I stay in touch, I check in to see how they are. I recommend little things for them, they do the same for me. I guess little tings about them and sometimes I am right. Without wanting to be too weird, they are sometimes part of my dreams. Is that crazy? I pray for these people wifout ever needing to know everything about them. The fact that they are family-oriented makes me happy, loyal and prayerful for them.

I have a huge “crush” on some girls/women in my social circle (blogville, fb,twitter,real life,high school,primary school, uni, workmates)..okay these girls are beautiful, remarkarble people who have achieved so much and their personalities are so striking and strong. They are such amazing packages. Some have children, jobs, ideas, passion and dedication…I can’t but toot their horns right now. Even if I hear dodgy stories or have had dodge encounters with them, it doesn’t matter, I hope always for the best for them.

Then there are the boois…I have a little crush on one but my dream guy (yes the one in my head) thwarts him so yip. I find it so ARDUOUS to admire men or boys except if they are at a distance oR they are lyricists/preachers/songwriters/employed...sometimes athletes but their player mode precedes them (see how judgmental I am?). Anyway, I have to apologise to the LAYMAN…I have been viewing men from a ‘potential-to-be-mine’ or ‘prove-me-wrong’ perspective but that aint right. I look at their clothes, I engage them in conversation, I take a walk with them, I work with them, I hang with them and at the end of the day, I put them in a categories like…

a. Only speak to me in your dreams please
b. IF these changes were made, I would seriously consider hooking him up with my friend
c. FRIEND for life, if he doesn’t like it, HIGHWAY
d. JUST FRIENDS, please stick around because you are so funny
e. If you put a ring on it, I will jump your ******, you just wait- but I haven’t met him yet
f. Its not because your “popular” (really that is the basis of your appeal and I would hate to sound like a stalker but erm), but you are a really great guy and erm

I am turning over a new leaf…I am going to try and treat guys as just guys. No longer trying to see if your last name looks good on me and no more judging! You men, are up against a lot in this world-there are so many things just trying to bring you down or lead you astray..I judged you harshly!

Dear boys, men, brothers, uncles, fathers. You have a right to have good days and bad days, say no rubbish or more rubbish, to have kids or no kids, baby mamas or none, broke or rich, sober or not, faithful or cheating, Christian or otherwise, its YOUR RIGHT! Here, I am giving my perception of men back…And I hope its not too late for me and I can still make it a habit to just RESPECT you as you ARE just as I would like to be treated.

She without sin must cast the first stone…i have learnt that as a woman I am not physically strong to contend with a man and bring him outside the gates of the city and pick up rocks and hurl them at him if he does me wrong...But I WILL bring them down in my mind or with a stare or an attitude; or disregard anything you say; or manipulate them, use sarcasm they won't get just so I feel smarter sooooo

I am standing by my brothers today!


who knew
it would be you
awakening my heart from beyond the grave
encouraging me to push through
and to live through
and especially to love through it all.
who knew?

life is not easy
love is even harder
forgiveness is the worst of them all
and giving up on these three was like stifling my breath
and unlearning everything from birth
when of course to breathe, i had to cry
so i suppose i just have to try...
to love you again and to forgive you some more


wHa2Do wHen U Lyke a BoY/MaN

This is for me as a Christian Single Woman who lives in Lalaland and vacations in reality. Thank you Jamie Watt.

First, realize that this guy is God’s son. You should be in a mindset from here-on-out that seeks to edify him and sanctify him—If your actions do anything that compromise his purity or harm his relationship with God, then you need to back away immediately.

Second, start praying for this guy. Do not pray about this guy, yet.
- praying for his life and spiritual growth, not about whether you should date him.
- praying for his well-being as soon as possible. In fact, the writer thinks it’s a good idea to pray for a handful of guys. You should pray regularly for your interactions with the closest guys in your life. After all, your husband will probably come from this grouping. Pray that you respect them. Pray that your friendship edifies them and their faith. Pray that you don’t lead them on or become flirtatious.

Third, find out if this guy is a Christian. The guy has to be a Christian for you to even begin to think about being pursued by him. I wait until this step to mention this, because it’s important to go through steps one and two with any guy in your life—Christian or non-Christian. However, hopefully this guy’s faith is not just one of the characteristics that legitimizes your crush but one of the very things that caused it.

Fourth, are you even ready to be dating? Just because you have a crush on a guy doesn’t mean you have to allow him to pursue you. If you’re not ready, then you are doing him a disservice if you allow him.

Fifth, begin to analyze the merits of this crush.
- Is it simply based on appearances or is there more to it?
- Do you admire his character? His faith? His personality? If the crush is simply based on appearances or a brief moment of chemistry, then don’t necessarily give up.

But you should begin to thoroughly analyze if this guy is really the one you’re looking for who follows the Biblical picture of a bride.
- Do I—as 1 Peter 3 says—have a gentle and quiet spirit that hopes in God?
- Do I—as Proverbs 31 says—open my hand to the poor and open my mouth with wisdom? Am I modest in the way I dress and conduct myself?
- Ephesians 5 describes a wife trusting and submitting to her husband; do I fit that model? Do I see myself being a good mother to our/his children? All of these questions might seem rather serious in nature.
- But at this point, I should be evaluating whether I am dateable. And there’s no sense dating if I already know that I do not follow the biblical scope of what kind of wife I want to be.

Sixth, ask myself if I can serve him. Can I help him grow in his walk with Christ? Can I challenge him? Don’t just analyze if he is right for me, but if I am right for him.

Seventh, seek the wisdom of Godly people. Ask wise people around you if they think you (or him) are ready for a relationship. Ask them if they think it would be a good match. And ask them for accountability if you do begin a courtship.

Eighth, begin a relationship with the intention of marriage. The whole “with the intention of marriage” thing might seem intimidating, but the writer has actually learned that spiritually mature girls are not afraid of it. In fact, they like it. Be serious. Don’t continue to flirt and lead him on. You should become friends and nothing more.

If all these steps seem like too much, then just realize that they are the only thing that differentiates you from a non-Christian woman in this process.


the DiffErenCe between Sir Worry and Ms FaItH

Today I know, when I worry I consider things to come with a fear ridden attitude. When I have faith, I look at the unexpected with a hope-filled attitude.

When I worry, I see all those things on TV as unattainable. When I have faith, anything is possible.

When I worry, I hesitate to think about that which I am expecting. When I have faith, I am excited about the things to come.

When I worry, I have an anxious disposition. I wrangle with my reality and my dreams and always end up stammering and tripping over my thoughts as I try to make them into words. When I have faith, I cannot sit still. My movements mirror the fluttering in my stomach and a smile escapes each time a thought fleets by. I can hardly wait to express my sentiments over an issue and have to hold them back to prevent making green ogled monsters of my peers.

When I worry, I lack in all things. When I have faith, I know I am always sufficient and well-prepared for each moment.

When I worry, I steal from others’ moments by disengaging supportive gears and dappling in worst case scenarios. When I have faith, I respond with encouragement and prepare to tell of positive adages. I illuminate.

When I worry, I stay in bed. When I have faith, I stay in bed and imagine how to live out different scenarios.

When I worry, people get ill and die. When I have faith, people may get sick and possibly die but definitely rise again.

When I worry, I am the victim of my existence. When I have faith, I am the heroine in mine.

When I worry, I cannot love. When I have faith, I am fuelled by love and embrace all I meet. I cannot do enough to show them just how much I care.

When I worry, there’s no turning back. When I have faith, every single memory is a necessary stitch in my life.

When I worry, I can not. When I have faith, I will.

When I worry, my actions come to a dead end; when I have faith, I can inspire. My thoughts and ideas live past me.

When I worry, I try. When I have faith, I achieve.

When I worry, I cuss, when I have faith, I bless…..you get the gist right? Faith should always take premise in your life. Fight to believe in prosperity and goodness. Encourage yourself so that when those dreams of yours throw a bouquet, you are already at the bottom of the stairs at the steeple, hands thrown up, ready to catch them and breathe them into life.

I am so excited!!!



I AM FAMOUS, yes i sed IT

faRambling awaaaaay:I am officially starring in my own TV show! Doing it like i am doing it for Reality TV. Live on E! Its nice to come across simplicity in the midst of Iran, Swine flu, turmoil and confusion BUT especially when going through a lonely hearts section in the newspaper AND even more when there is no lonely hearts section in the newspaper but on a list in front of you and your name is the only one ON IT. Then its absolutely wonderful to find men who are as rich as pirates but only want simple things OR men born into fame and celebrity and ALL they seem to enjoy are simple waters, simple waves, good music and great food. That lifted my spirits for a second, and in the same breath, quietened my mind as I realized that I do not need to try so hard to land myself a great man. I don’t need to try so hard to want to be on a famous TV show. I don’t need to try so hard to make an impression. I can be me, simply me. As the waves are. As the trees are. As the sunsets are. As the wind is. As children are. As God is. My beauty is innate. My character is Godscripted. My intelligence is constantly being sharpened. My skin is the color of sand from which I am created. All the above are beautiful and endearing before you even speak their names. You recognize their beauty almost instantly. And when you pry and truly observe the nature of the water which appears so forcefully yet rises so delicately with each particle linked to the next as if dancing to the sounds beneath the ocean…I AM really shady at descriptive writing but waves and water are my favourite things to watch and feel. Do I like swimming? Not particularly, I don’t like being cold so if I can avoid cold water I do. Do I surf? Any water sports? Nuffing at all. It just calms me to look at it and to lay by the beach and hear pebbles escaping into the sun from the deep waters. Anyway…simple things, I love seafood. I love quiet peace and loud peace. I like sandals. I like dancing and doing my chores in heels when I am at home. I like sandwiches and tossed salads. I have the character of a Moroccan display meets Nyanga mountains. I refresh myself when I make these observations about myself..that which I admire about others/am enticed by seems so seductive only because its an image of myself beckoning me to embrace the sensuous and simplicity within ME. So hello John Mayer, Brody Jenner, John Legend, Dante Smith, Christopher Bridges…I like you because you remind me of me. Shame, If you stepped out of the ‘bondage’ of celebrityhood, there’s a woman there who need not impress you but who you will recognize INSTINCTIVELY as you recognize a medium rare porterhouse steak on your palate, OR yourself in the mirror. I DARE you, Matt Damon did. Neyo kinda is. Tyra is. Who knows who else but see its important to see that there are women who are not in those queues waiting for your autograph (groupies), they want you to have THEIRS. Because, surely if your bio describes you accurately, then we could be really good friends.


Portrait on the Wall

There’s a picture of me on my mother’s dining wall. I hated it until I began to write this. I will explain why...It was taken when I was fifteen I think. All I know was that it was at my unfashionable peak! I had corn rows that were starting to loosen. I must add CORNROWS…not a good look for me. Anyway I was wearing this gorgeous black and white shimmering dress. Please note that this description does not do the dress justice. Then I had to go and wear a pair of blue silvery pants underneath. I somehow thought the trousers wouldn’t show and I giddily posed for each photograph as if there was no problem down under. Cameraman didn’t bother to tell me this through his digital camera. RIPOFF? Anyway this particular photograph shows my unshaped eyebrows, my hormonal oily skin and the pimple spread on my forehead. It’s a sideview photograph and this was not the dimple side so I sincerely believed, until now of course, that it was my worst side EVER. I have tried to be rid of it (the picture), I hid it, I swapped it, I used to put it facedown when boyfs came over and my parents always flipped it on me. “Your beautiful. You look so sweet. That’s who you are, why must you be ashamed? What are you saying about us if you think your ugly”…guilt trip ensues, I get on the train and give in. END RESULT: Picture stays up!
Well I looked up at it as I was having brekkie with mum, today. Then I looked at my mum and I felt authenticated (so stealing from AKSuperwoman). I am the child of an educated, sophisticated woman. She despises no one and respects each person to his/her core. She is always improving herself and she perseveres regardless of the odds against her. She is prayerful. She milks every experience so it becomes a foundation of growth for herself and everyone she encounters. She loves. She teaches. She is also quite assertive. She works so haaard. I tear up when I speak of her so LONGSTORYSHORT…I nearly cried as I looked at the portrait on the wall as I hoped and realized that one day I could be a minute/a second of the woman she is today. So bring on the pimples, bring on the mismatched outfit and hoily (porous and oily) skin because I am blessed that the picture on the wall is my mother’s daughter.


RANDOMNESS AHEAD: DreamingDreams, LivingDreams and PlaninLife

I haven’t read anything other than proposals, terms of references, multi-sectoral health and I am BoTired! I suppose I am learning my trade but I feel a tremendous void in my life...the one which can be filled with games, unplanned visits, cake and coffees…I miss that. The other day my teamleader said HE enjoyed my laughter and I went on strike. I started laughing within so I often choked when I drank my water, because I was laughing so hard INSIDE! i mean how dare he say, HE ENJOYED MY LAUGHTER! But I am back, back to hysterical giggling, and Julia Roberts-like howling laughter from Pretty Woman. For sure, you would see my tounsils if I hadn’t had them removed when I was 4. I think I just took it too personally because.. because because and expressing my Joy again. I love the SounD too.

Anyway, I woke up today because I had had the most eventful dream. This week I have been having eventful nights and zero to hardly any sleep since I had proposals due left, right and centre…so I slept early last night. At 2230 after, CSI, I actually slept during CSI but anyway. I got into bed around 1030pm. My mum used to force me to sleep in my bed and if she caught me snoozing on the couch, she wouldn’t leave the lounge until I dawdled to my room in a sleepy stupor. Shes changed now, more accepting and accomodating. Anyway so mosquito net down, eyes shut…..dream dream then 6 am I feel myself waking up and I fight it. I had just met Barack in my dream n he had shook my hand. I tell myself wait, theres that other section you need to dream about to finish it up…like it’s a Greys Anatomy episode. But when you are awake, you are awake. There’s nothing you can do about it. Sure you can imagine things, plan your day, with your eyes shut but the flickering of your eyes will set your sweet mother on you and she will say GOOD MORNING and list a whole lot of activities that you wouldn’t really plan for yourself. So if you wake up before your dream is over, finish it off in real time!(you really have to be discerning here, theres some dreams that will land you in prison/shamed soooooo Be Wise!)

So I woke up and I have decided to live my dreams because once you dream them, its up to you, whether you leave them behind your eyelids in the stillness of night OR to just get up and do IT. I thought it was impossible to be guided by your dreams until I remembered Joseph the Dreamer as I walked out of my house today. His haters were his own brothers. They put him in a hole and sold him for DREAMING. His getoutofjailcard were his DREAMS because he dreamt so much that he could understand others’ dreams..with God’s hand upon him of course. So I am going to dream dreams when I am asleep and live dreams when I am awake.

SO to meet my dreams, I need to PLAN my course of action….I have watched this movie that said, start your plan of action from the ending and then work backwards….

10. Work in Washington somewhere in the Department which deals with funding to LDCs for their health sectors
8. Complete a PhD in Health Sector Management within different Political Structures
7. Gain work experience from an internationally recognized organization…the Clinton Foundation preferably
6. Win a scholarship to pursue a PhD at Harvard
5. Complete Health Economics Masters degree
4. Apply for a visa
3. Open a foreign account
2. Make a decision which university to attend

'FamilyPlaNNingMethoDs' coming when I have a man…I don’t mean it like THAT, just I think the four kid dream, hot preacher man, durawall (no picket fence in Africa), swimming pool, 2 jeeps, wat wat will come later….yes I know I will be 30 but hey!!!

And should anyone decide we have the same dream or is inspired by mine and pursues it too, its cool because the sooner this dream is lived, the better! So I don't mind, Go AHEAD. Most people are living Martin Luther King's dream anyway..


FrOm DoGs to PinK to JoY

My mind loves him, absolutely treasures him. He is not the type of Kid most girls would stumble over. I think he is the kind only my heart would recognize, it seems. His need and his triumphs resonate with all the trinkets of my character. I feel I can offer him guidance, my wit, my smile when he needs encouragement, I can give him warmth from the fondness I feel for him, I can secure his confidence because I keep such a watchful eye over him. I love him dearly, I do.

I can’t decide whether I have felt this more for a man or for my gorgeous Jack Russell pup, Hugo. Oh the dilemma!

LOOKING BACK OVER MY SHOULDER insert instrumental from Mike and the Mechanics
I see this cute little thing standing on a stoep (stubhu). She is wearing pink shorts and a pink blouse outfit. I think she has a yellow cardigan on or she could be bearing arms, I am not sure. Her ears are pierced and her eyes are shut so tightly. She’s clutching her stomach and looks a bit stiff with her knees slightly bent. Oh how cuuute, she has little black polished shoes, the ones with a strap going across from left ankle to right ankle. I immediately adore her. I look at her harder. Her mouth is wide open and she’s tipping her head back… I can see her two front teeth and an enormous dip on her left cheek. That dimple is definitely too big for her, meThinKs. Now, I can hear her laugh. Wow..I can’t believe it. Her laugh is so spirited and has absolutely paralysed her AnD astounded the older girl who sits at the edge of the stoep with her. What could be so funny little-girl-in-pink? What wouldn’t be? She seems to answer as she takes a breath and briefly turns her head toward me, before she pours out another deluge of giggles….

I wish I could wake up and lay down on laughter. Joy is such a wonderful foundation upon which to build memories. Tragic days have definitely won permanent residence on memory lane And are sorely recalled as the days I cravedNdugSodeep for that paralyzing laughter when I was three. It saddens me to think that I will be buried on a day when people may find it inappropriate to laugh…..LAUGH today, open the floodgates of your souls with the most distinctive expression of JOY!


thAt devil IS a LiaR! GOD is A Victor!

God is good and something in the air is trying to make me feel otherwise but He reigns, He is my King, mine. He loves me for my sake.He stays with me for my sake. He forgives me for my sake. He gives for my sake. He frees for my sake. He lived for my sake. He died for my sake. He rose again for my sake. Nothing can prosper unless its from Him. The victory belongs to Him. The tears can come. He will wipe them away. The pain can come and He will comfort me. I shall not fear nor be overcome! I refuse, in your name Jesu. My faith in my King suffices to wash over this fear. Talitha Koum, He says. I rise my Lord. I rise! Amen!

As for you, how dare you try and take my joy! How dare you use my aunt’s memory to weaken me! How dare you use family against family! How dare you use our desires as the foundations of our graves when they are meant to establish our homes and our dreams! How dare you twist them! There is no room for you here. Take your greed, take your lust, take your unforgiveness, take your selfishness, take your arrogance, take your cruelty, take your unhelpfulness, take your fear, take your anxiety, take your pride.

I am no fool, I have sought wise counsel and I have gained knowledge and affirmation that my God is my Keeper, my Shelter, my Harbour. You thought I would bury my head, binge drink or eat huh? curse God and die...pssh you have left me where I need to be….on my knees, a little broken, contrite and humbled! But As I rise, I know I am stronger for I am full of His Spirit. It never wanes like you. you are fickle and His Spirit is true. Get thee behind me! Get thee behind us!

My Lord, My God. You have not forsaken me. I breathe still. Glory2God!



Flo Rida has goooooooooone. Yay. I am liking and "crushing" and hoping again..just in case you were wondering. God Bless You my future Hubby. This Post is for you. I hope your family is great and growing in God. Am getting groomed for all sorts of things right now. Mum is hosting dinner to a huge group. How does she do it? I hope I will master it by the time I meet you. Stay in the word! Stay strong! the picture is just a clue on what i like. I may change my mind though to suit your budget, don't get scared now!! Okay I have to go host...byeeeeeee



the Straw that broke the Camel's BaCk....

I GET Why we must date before declaring I LOVE YOUs so you learn whether the object of your affection/desire will SUPPORT you ..Like a bra, like a bosom buddy, like your big toe, like a spine, like a running mate. Dude, You don’t have to minimalize the things I choose to follow by calling them useless, and impersonal…I enjoy facebook, you don’t. Fair enough. I tweet, you won’t. I get that. What is the difference between black people in Cape Town and Black People in Birmingham? You dare to mock the African nature of the place while you cohabit with the same Africans in a country that is not your own. Yes, I dare to buy a $$$$$ ticket to join my fellow Africans to acquire an education that maybe of the same caliber as yours but I STILL WANT TO GO THERE. I can’t believe I liked you. You clearly don’t have my back! Okay I geT iT, he is not mine! I really don't want to see anymore shadiness in his character....it doesn't need TO get TO repulsion but Aaaaargh!


ByE ByE Grudge!!!

It has been gnawing at me for some time now, that I am about 20 steps behind my gurl. She is well on her way to the 2.5 children, after having already signed the deal to be married to a hot-sturdy-employed-black man. She has completed a Masters Program and works behind a 5 foot desk with an executive leather swivel chair. Her assistant and her dreams are at her beck and call.

The Green-eyed monster says, “And HERE you are!”

“But I have always known that my current job was just a stepping stone to the freedom of financial success”, I reason, “And will one day open the door to a hefty paying job”, I add.

I have already begun to make the necessary expansion plans toward success. I have applied to universities with the courses which appeal to me. Until recently, I was anxiously anticipating their replies and am now gallantly receiving them. My mind was (as skilful as any recovering low-esteemed person’s mind would be) prepared for the rejections from all four universities but I have received three replies ranging from conditional offers to definite offers…the when-will-you-come-already? replies.

I honestly never anticipated choices. The dilemma lies wherein I have to choose ONE! And my criterion of choice, until this morning, was to go to the highest ranked university of the lot. So, I obligingly googled them: My first preference naturally was the A league one. Number 2 and 3 were closely listed….quite a difficult one to call. And the last one was actually my favourite yet the lowest ranked. It is also located in the capital city and it would have been absolutely expensive and distractive to study there. So it’s clearly a toss up between #2 and #3. Blaaaaaaaaah! So how do I choose?

When I laid my head to sleep last night, I had a light bulb moment (very inappropriate because I was so sleepy and did not need my mind turning on lights!). I didn’t want to go to #2 or #3 because my aforementioned friend went to one of them and of course. Yep my subconscious confronted me and declared that I believed I was better than my gurl in spite of all her achievements. It’s true! I had told myself over and over again after she had jumped over each hurdle that I was still smarter. I was more well behaved. I was better FULL STOP. Yet, I have always felt like each time I was about to embark on something, she had already gone before me. The good, the bad and the ugly! She has an adventurous spirit, my gurl does. And now this! I wanted to set my own perimeters and challenges and AGAIN I find that she has accosted them all. What is left for me? Not even a university, I thought.

The shame woke up with me today, and although I really wanted to write a hilarious article or a list of my dreams…I had to deal with this first. I had to confront the Who-Is-Greater complex similar to the one the disciples had. He, who wants to be considered first, must be ready to wash others' feet and be prepared to be last! With this realization, I unsaddled my high horse and got on my knees as I was confronted with the knowledge that I am not greater/better than her. Great, Yes. (And only because Jesus died4me). Greater, Nah!

LongStoryShort: I am human. I am God’s responsibility. This is why He gave me the Holy Spirit and the Bible. His divine purpose is my calling. I need to pursue it with an open and grateful heart. I am not better than any of my friends for we are all great. Only one Jesus died for each of us..not 514 different “Jesuses” depending on each person’s worth. ONE! I will be proud and excited to walk the route where others have been positioned for His blessing. Ultimately, God chooses our routes. I am sorry I was jealous boo. You deserve abundant goodness just like I do. And you have received goodness just like I have. I, on the other hand, need to learn to abound and to be abased and not to use your life as a measure of mine. I need to be content with my person, my goals, and my life so I don’t overshadow your blessings with my insecurity. I look forward to celebrating your every breath and step on God’s highway to His Kingdom.

I have laid my grudge down now, it was keeping my mind and head full….Lord, I am ready to receive your blessing now.


God's growing my standards,my expectations, my love, my choices, my mind every single day. I can no longer be contained by my past so I DO have to let go of the bad stuff I am holding on to. Its true, I am not a compost heap or a recycling bin. Grudge In, Grudge Out Full Stop! My past is already one day short, it can't contain me. Clearly, I am enjoying the sound of my own voiceInmyHead but its true, yesterday is a day short...I can never go BACK! I don't wan2 shortchange myself by going back there. I AM FrEE!


tHank YOU LoRd.

You heard our prayers and You knew what to do with them. You heard them when the words were stuck in our throats, rolling down our cheeks and when we were in silence. You are so faithful Lord. I have learnt that no matter what the circumstance is, all the facts or no facts at all, You are Victorious over them all. I battled with optimism in my own head because I refused to look at it as a small thing. I saw how magnanimous it truly was and I struggled to put a smile on my face. Daniel in the lions den was a big thing. Curing someone from a bleeding problem is a big deal. Knowing a person you meet at the well in and out is so amazing Lord. I am quite ashamed of the fear I had in the face of the latest battle. Yet, in spite of it, you grew my faith and wisdom. Once I prayed for something, i comforted myself saying it was a small thing, I said, God, You can fix it because it is small. Yet, it was such a big deal, and I underestimated it. It seems the smaller I view things, the smaller my hope and faith are I think. I made it look small so I could cope I suppose. Now I have seen Your hand excel in the large things...I will believe in you in the face of all my realities. Cancer, AIDS, Diabetes, Job hunting, Mortality, Joy, Sadness, Phobias, Child Birth, Operations, Injuries, Plane Crashes, Blindness, Deafness, Sex, MArriage, Divorce, Peace, Love are all big things BUT Your word and Your Aid is greater than all these. I will never belittle anything again to feel bettr when I hope. Your deeds surpass all my understanding. I believe in You. Your provision is Absolute Lord. I am so grateful and humbled. I will trust you with my all. Thank you Abba Father. Amen


1st DaY of SpRing

I have never been in a winter storm, with icicles, snowflakes, avalanches and perhaps even gales of the white powder, But there’s a storm whirling up in my body. Each time I picture you weak and helpless and Everytime I imagine you faint. My feet are in a pool of my tears because My heart is flooded with thoughts, and fear. I will be flaccid by tomorrow, I am sure of it. But I keep praying that tomorrow is the first day of Spring. When old flowers get a new chance, they can wear their pretty colors and make everyone smile. I keep hoping that tomorrow brings a stronger you as another bark is added to your trunk. You will withstand any ailment. I keep hoping…..nothing will tire you again, noone will worry you again. You will get to be the queen bee and you can breed a colony of all your dreams. Everything you will put your effort to, will thrive. Everything! But each time I wish for spring, it feels like I am wishing for heaven so I don’t know anymore if I want spring…I just want you back here and well. I want us to plan our book and name our kids, talk about the dodgy hurdles we have gotten over. Get your energy back bubu. Get your strength back china. Get your joy back Midiot. And check out of there. We will go for summer instead.


PURITY fRoM A NegaTiVe PersPective….

Destiny Connect had an article relating to forgiving our family members and the lessons we can draw from knowing and belonging to our individual families. One piece of advice struck a chord…it said for me thank all my relations for the gifts they have given me, “even if their gift was teaching me what NOT to do”. This is so relevant to my life right now as I have found myself related to “mischievous and adventurous characters”. As human beings, I know we are capable of anything (good and great) and the possibility of being murderous, thieving, vengeful, depressive, violent, envious, adulterous are especially heightened when they are in your bloodline. Nevermind Adam and Eve, look at your own immediate family, the sisters, brothers, first cousins, mothers, fathers! Even if you cut these people out, their blood, as the article says, runs through your veins too.

That behaviour/partialty to such courses of action only need time/certain circumstances to manifest and you find yourself unleashing this behaviour which you think is out of character but ALAS, it is not. So you find yourself being krez, promiscuous, stealing, depressed, resorting to alcoholism/other addictive tendencies and you don’t know Who in the world you are. And some stuff you enjoy so much and others, you wake up and regret so much. Forgive Yourself. You are your first relation. What you have been through is a gift to yourself. Now you know what not to do. You know better. You ought to behave better. Don’t lay it on your ancestors and play the blame game though because since Jesus, your no longer bound by the past. You can break the chain and live an abundant and righteous life. Battles…Yes, you will face beaucoup but you now have Victory through your Saviour.

The issue of the observers arises, those who were in your presence, in the midst of your ‘krezness’, the victims, friends and foes….well you can’t forgive on their behalf. Their unforgiveness is no longer your burden but restitution if at all possible may be your goal. You clearly can’t right every wrong, this is why you are not Jesus but you can ask Him to give you tools such as strength and courage to restore goodness into your life and theirs: For your sake and the multitudes. So these people may have been your uncles, aunts’ children, your brothers etc and they looked at you with shame, disappointment, confusion but did you see their FEAR at all? That moment when they suspected your actions to be contagious OR some venture into the abyss of disbelief.

No way would they do that! They wouldn’t cheat on their husbands, they wouldn’t throw a baby away, they couldn’t kill a person! Long Drones fill the room wherever you go. I beg-o Speak from your experience. If you want to find a way from the hole or the corner where they put you in. Speak..You are an ambassador of your own lifestory and your story could be a saviour in theirs. Teach Us, teach Them how to avoid the HoLe! How to recognize it! Your actions have spoken, yes, but that’s not all you got. Never underestimate the power of your experiences! Ode to Paul! Ode to Mary Magda!

Dear Cousin, you are a gift and I thank you for living and showing me what I must not do. Because of you, I know the repercussions of some actions. I now know that my family will stand with me through anything and bail me out of any problems. I know that there is no disappointment that will crowd out LoVe. I know what spirit to pray against and I am more aware of the Garments of praise and prayer that I am sometimes reluctant to wear; and weapons from the Word I should use so I am not an easy target for sin. You are my family, I have learnt that I will fight for you, I will fight my own body if it refuses to have compassion for you. I will fight my intelligence if it reasons against you. I will fight my own heart if it refuses to ForgiVe you. I love you. I Thank you. I forgive you.

My own disobedience is no less than yours. I am not exempt from this, there are things in my nature and I have to guard against them. If I harbour them, they will eat me up and ruin my life and be fatefully passed on to the next generation and they won’t know what hit them. I want to let you know what I and you are capable of, because it is the same blood that runs through these veins. I am prepared to speak about them if you would like to learn. There is no well so deep that God cannot lift you from, only really bad excuses! Thank God for the Blood of the Lamb that is sprinkled on us that we may be washed cleaner than clean and covers a multitude of sins...the dormant ones, the current, the sequels, the repeats, and the feature films.

So Ask me FaM if you would like..I will Speak! Give your Family/youRSelf opportunities to wrestle their demons in the Light too. when you battle your sin in darkness, you will lose for this is where sin thrives. Fight in the Light! FaM Its okay for you to fight where we can see you, to be krez where we can see you, where we can pray for you and love you. DOn't shun your family away/HiDe YouRSelf, Don't stone FaM outside the city walls (by gossipping/demeaning them/further murdering their characters and Don'T do it to YouRSelf either)...for Him without sin never cast a stone. Be patient with yourself. Don't be rash to decide which side of the fence you are on. Lend an ear, Extend a hand and Reserve judgement for Him who has the right please. And hold on to faith, for from ashes, the Phoenix rises AnD from death Lazarus and Jesus came. Raised by God.

For yours, mine and all our sakes....



DeciDing on a Path

I love to write, simply what is on mind, so I write in simple diction. I love to speak candidly so I write plainly….so I wonder where all this will lead me.

I love to study economics without the mathematical jargon, so my theses are devoid of proofs of hypotheses except through theory. I love to explore issues from mine own perspective but here am I, working in a research company picking others’ minds….so I ask where will it all lead me?

I love to mend broken relationships yet I have never sustained my own. I love to forgive but I hate the person I am at the start of the forgiving journey which passes through disappointment and bitterness. I love to heal hearts and minds and restore them with Verses or words impessed upon me by the Spirit…but I have simple diction. I love for people to feel my heart when we embrace, my soul as we speak and my comfort when they ache…yet I am so sensitive to touch and irritable when my space is invaded. Where will this lead to?



today I am especially aware of my sexuality and my beauty. Off course, instinctively, I want to share it with a MaN in a kiss. not a PG13 kiss but a simple peck (that’s really all) on the cheek of the MaN who has repeatedly prioritized me, constantly encouraged me and vigorously loved me. I want to kiss him as a show of the affection that he allows me to bring out from within my soul. I want to kiss him as a sign of assurance that I enjoy standing by him as much as I do standing up for him. I want to kiss him because I want to say I love you. But I am SinGle. I must PreSERve my right to share thiSortOfpassion until I am within a relationship with a God-fearing, meLoving, faithful, kind, generous, hanDSome and LoYAL man. Take heed, I advertise not my single status, I speak of it as I speak of all my other daily thoughts and ideas. Maybe I will get my nails done today, dress up and go out for dinner, splurge on a hot chocolate fudge sundae (this does not indicate my ‘partner preference’ at all). I need to treat me well…show me how much I love and appreciate this body that is me.


oFFice hoURs

linColn…at work of course!

Beautiful stranger…I saw you in the novel I am reading. You are a beautiful man. They have called you awkward but I have read on and particularly enjoy that you are so peculiar. I have begun to seek your quaintness wherever I am…hoping that in the midst of this world’s vulgar disorder, I can see you live and breathe. On black faces, the Indian race, white people, Asians? I can feel that the hope you had for equality amongst all mankind has been passed along generations as each man and woman wake each morning to go to work, to serve their children so they too become adequately equipped for their morrows. I can recognize the stomping of your feet; it’s like a call to the masses to plod on past hardships and tumultuous circumstances toward the betterment of our generation. I love that you are a survivor of sorts…you basically taught yourself to read and taught yourself law. I hope one day, or even today you will gravely influence the man I call mine.


BirD Poop BleSSings

so yep Tweety flew over me as I was walking back from lunch and laid it on me. Great! Wait a minute, I thought, this means i have Good Luck. I don't believe in luck, I argued. Its Just Plain Old Crap from a birdy.

Then I looked up from my vanity and saw a man carrying firewood on his back in this sweltering heat....so far the worst thing to happen to me today is getting pooped on by a bird...

Compared to his load, i am lucky even if i don't believe in luck.

wHat I think About at Work..

If my workmates knew me then, they wouldn’t dare!

“Sit here young lady”, my grandmother pointed to the ground she was sitting on with her zambia spread out to protect her from ants and other sorts crawling on the ground. I refused and remained standing in my blue transparent skirt and crocheted top. I was going to meet my boyfriend at the shops and there was no stopping me. This was as cute as I wanted to look. She looked at me and asked if I were going out like that and I said Yes, unflinching. No room for apologies here. Then I asked her, Will you love me any less if I went out like this? Will I cease to be your grandchild?

There’s this one teacher who told me I wouldn’t go very far if I persisted in my rudeness. I had rolled my eyes at her and barked something in my defense after being accused of shouting/yelling/hitting a boy. I was defending myself is all I could say. I mean she comes with Experience and Authority and I come with what? A grade 4 education, an amateur’s certificate in solemn apologies and learners in sulking! I knew I was paling in comparison to her so I shouted. I needed leverage! I rolled them eyes and stood up for myself, literally. I was instantly heroine of the day in my grade 4 class.

Oh then there’s Waterlady. Fair enough we were having dancing lessons during prep but she stormed in, asked the music to be turned down and told us to get out! She paid no attention to the fact that we were training with a legitimate dance teacher employed by the school. Sure he had dreads. Sure he was black but Respect da teeeacher man! So I stepped to the edge of the stage, picked up my shoes, and stood up to my full five foot height and stared down into her watery blue-grey eyes, turned around and swung my booty as much as I could as I walked toward the exit. Next morning, fair enough, I am asked to see Waterlady in her office. In my defense, I said that my reaction had been a direct response to hers. If it came across rude it’s because she brought that out in me. I apologized for letting myself be so explicitly angered at her approach that she may be so offended. I told her that I did regret the repercussions of ‘our’ actions and I would not repeat my shortcomings. Would she?

Then once more, Waterlady and Roberto teamed up to tell me that putting up my hand 20 times after completion of an exam in order to go to the toilet was not allowed. I said, "Well if you had let me go the first time, we would never have had this problem". I didn’t really need the toilet; I wanted to leave the exam because I had finished early. I had no idea what to write and could not be bothered sitting there bargaining with my mind to give me information I had never studied for.

Somewhere along the line I started crying. I mean you go to a foreign country. You are employed in the worst job you could have imagined and working with the most condescending team you have come across but your getting PAID!! So Jase had accused me of messing up an order, hence delaying it and so my fair reward was being yelled at by Saa. I couldn’t stare him down, I just cried. Pitiful. The anger I swallowed that evening, (so I could keep my job) was colossal such that I must have choked on it and the tears spilled out. I resolved never to get that angry at my workplace until I met K-kul!!!!

Am I very different now? My emotions are mine now until PMS, then hormones take over, or except death then i have absolutely no control. Other than that I think that I expend them as I see fit not as much as I am provoked... Growth is weird.


maKingUPstoRies to pass time....

When do you suppose we begin to let sleeping dogs lie? When do you suppose, we leave the past in the past? I sat across the room today from you. I heard you speak and I think it may have been a joke you were telling and I recognized how hard you were going to laugh because your abs were becoming tense and your face had begun to glow. I felt repulsed. I felt angry and deceived and I knew I had a problem. I knew there was a demon digging a hole beside me trying to make me fall into a place of pain and hurt and disappointment. Good thing I recognized him because I would have picked up the nearest object, hurled it across the room in one breath and regretted it in the next.

I saw you walk by and you had the usual back pack you carry. Your long arms were tapping against your hip to some BEAT with which you had just newly become acquainted. I recognized the smile creeping up on your cheeks and at once I felt myself getting all hot and flushed. A rush of emotions nearly knocked me off my feet. Dammit I loved you all over again.

I read your email. AS IF I needed to be accepted into your university. And I heard that job was crap anyway. You have a high staff turnover! Your ablutions are appalling and the salary is not that great! The truth is you could afford me if you asked. I would work in your backseat only if it meant I would get to keep my clothes on and gain unequivocal knowledge from slaving in your presence…

I saw that you are in a great relationship on facebook and I had palpitations. I questioned your deserving nature. It seemed you were once again the favourite and the silver lining only showing on your clouds…I wished you well..did I mean it?

I want to be torn from remorse and regret as easily as I am pressed against it. I want to be farther from jealousy as the devil is from retribution. I want to be painted into bliss and acceptance and joy.. When does hell finally freeze over so I can be I.



I dont get him. He loves me, He loves me not. He loves her, He loves her not. Could someone invite me to the workings of a Husbands mind? I know it starts developing from the second his born, well before that, really, when he is in his mother's womb. Then why Husband do you choose to forget your once safest haven was under the skin of a female like me? You love me then leave her. You love me not then leave me. Don't keep me in this gloom, in this expectant state. One day its flowers, kisses, am not sure I smell it right. But I think sometimes its LOVE. you R such a mystery.

someTimes I thinK I love you until you screw me over and leave me for weeks and then I find myself still here, AtHome. waiting for you to come through the door, take off your shoes, sit on the sofa, watch some football, have the sadza I cook with the fish I grilled for you. Then, my husband, I know I love you.

For which misteress would do what i do? which misterEss would get on her knees and pray for you to be released from the devil's talons? which misterEss would love your children when you, their father, forget their birthdays? which misteress would wash your unwell mother? which misterEss would pray for the Almighty's forgiveness if she rightfully felt bitterness toward you?

You hurt me my Husband. You hurt me when you lay with me and expect more. you hurt me when i fear to love you freely for you can disease-me. you hurt me my husband because i still try to look beautiful and impress you. I pretend not to care but when you do..stop and stare..well that makes me joyful. You hurt me, my husband, when you don't pray with me. How then do i know your promises are true? twenty-so years ago, i loved you. i know twenty-so years more, i will love you.

just today live through my pain, my weakness, my sickness, my good health, my joy. stay with me through our vows.

agh..this was in my throat and i was pretending it wasn't! I am teared over these husbands who do not treat my sisters right! i hope i feel better after writing this. i really need to feel better so I can face them. i kinda do write when I am low don't I? Its just that when I am happy like my birthday this week, I am so busy singing and shouting from mountaintops. I am sorry blog..i do transference on you. its just that i aint got nobody i can call at 2am in a drunk stupor to tell them how messed up they are. Pweeeease wat drunken stupor? I don't drink! Believe you, me (ima call you Bee, blogs not such a fancy name is it?) Bee, your such a good listener and I owe you. I DO! hehe



For I was wrestling not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places just yesterday. I have come to realize that I am in debt. I owe my feelings updates, like I update my FB profile like twenty times a day to suit my mood, my feelings or the latest gossip. And of course, I update my tweets depending on what the stars are saying..its crazy but thats a whole other thing i need to deal with. I update my facial expressions when I am angry, happy, excited whatever the feeling But I hardly ever keep my heart upTOdate. Like its still pumping iAMsoMADatyoU blood through my arteries when my head and my soul are sending I-am-already-to-Forgive impulses..

So dear Heart, I am better today. I am actually quite happy. So happy I feel like wearing yellow. Crazy thing is I do remember what you went through yesterday. I remember how shocked you were at the betrayal of your mothers' home. i remember how disappointed you felt when you learnt that noone's perfect especially those you need to be. I remember how you cringed and ached at the apparent sexism at my workplace. You wanted to leap out of my chest and beat that man down and show him that my opinion was valuable. Oh how you ached for me when I had no shoulder to cry on and resolved to laying and crying on my hugest teddy bear. I especially remember how you tried to pumpITup today so I would feel excited at something even though it was just a walk down the street. I know you were disappointed when i shrunk into my skin and let the boys at work run my day. But dear heart, you Kept beating..I won't forget what you have done for me. I will not forget what you have trudged through

you must have been saying silent prayers because my joy is here and the stench of unforgiveness has passed. The desire to revenge has been melted away. Instead of seething CraZY, i am soothed. Revived is more I. I am even loving again and all in a day's work! You bled out the bad, and pumped in the Nu. Thanks You. I am better now!




2 tired 2 feel
2 tired 2 B Betrayed
2 tired 2 B real
2 tired 2 fight
2 tired 2 try and b right
2 tired 2 stay
2 tired 2 leave
2 tired 2 hang on
2 tired 2 lie
2 tired 2 cry
2 tired 2 b alone
2 tired 2 pray
WaitAMinute..thats not ME
2 tired
But I am...just 2 tired
2 tired 2 hope
2 tired 2 b happy
2 tired 2 smile
2 tired 2 kick
2 tired 2 breathe
2 tired 2 b Me today.


my faTHer, my Son

Dear Lord, I appreciate You so much because no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing…You are within. Today, I spoke words I am otherwise incapable of speaking. I spoke them to myself. Firstly you reminded me of how You use the foolish things of the world to bring wisdom to man. I thought of my father and how i desperately longed for him to wake up and receive Your Grace and feel Your Gentleness and Goodness and to have renewed hope and direction. You answered, ‘It is Done’. I had an unnatural image in my head of my own father becoming my son. It seemed wrong on so many levels. And then You spoke into me. Your words reached the tips of my fingers and made them tingle. They rose up to the corners of my mouth and made me smile. What is it, they say about Your Word? It separates the soul from the spirit. Your word pervaded my entire body and I began to laugh.

My father, my son…
Dad,I would like to show you
How beautiful the world is
How beautiful you have made it for me
I would like to thank you
You have worked very hard for me
And I have received the best education
And slept in the most comfortable beds.
You have grown up for me,
So much that you have learnt to discipline me with a mere look
And encourage me with a hug.
You have also failed for me,
To show me that it is human to err
And that we all have days numbered past our mistakes.
You have loved for me,
By caring for your parents as they aged
Taking others' children under your wings.
And of course, you married my mother….
You have lived for me, dad,
And I thank you.
Now as i grow, take the limits off yourself:
Work, love, live, grow, and err for God.
I am learning too and I can show you some tricks or two.
Firstly, abandon us and yourself to His Mercy
Open yourself to the prospect of a New Hand writing your will
And designing your life.
Shake all the remnants off from your past…all things dad.
And He will reorder them for you
You don’t have to be lost anymore
My father, my son..

In Him, I promise, you will be found.




This word came into my mind today from nowhere. How it came about amused me so much and i really want to share it. So, work had become a little tedious today and my mind of course, began wandering. those who know me Know that I like to be the master of my mind so it obviously did not just wander. the dear Bible advises that we bring all our thoughts into obedience so i know better than to say it merely drifted when i hold the leash/reins/watEva…I, Me, I took my mind for a stroll. Took it right to the park to play a ball game. Too literal huh? Yeah, I thought so too. Anyway, i start thinking about the ‘ART of loVemaKing’ and dareIsay, i wanted to Draaaw (pronounced as it is spelt) or to be painted or sculpted, something sinful was definitely cooking up in my mind. then I came up against a huge sign in my head and right across it was written,


I was like WhaT?I think it may have been the Holy Spirit telling me that thoughts like these (lustful ones, DIGRESSION AHEAD:u see this is why lust is spelt with a ‘U’ instead of A because nothing that comes from this word LaSTs/enDUres/perSISts/conTiNues. Things born of lust perish real quickly!)…Anyway the HS must have been reminding me that XRfantasies are no longer a part of my fibre, not since i was Talitha Koumed anyway. thoughts like that must have had a timeframe and have reacched their sexpiration date so now they have rightfully

Now whoever said the Lord didn’t have a sense of humour?


Dear Talkoum or Waeva…Do you remember the time?

1. when you went into the garden and dared your aunt to spray you with cold water and she DID. You told mama, and she laughed so hard.

2. when the neighbour’s kid burnt down the house and all his twin sister could say was, momma’s gonna woop you.

3. when the teacher was just saying we will go to the toilet before the bus comes, and she turns around and sees me trying to haul my pee into my dress from the floor, and she says maybe we should go now. I heard a few of those.

4. my first selfless kiss: was when i kissed this booi whose arm had been hurt in the playground at nursery school…i gave him a peck on his left shoulder while we were waiting for our nannies to come pick us up. He is dead now.

5. when my neighbour friend taught me to smoke her father’s cigarettes. I was five.

6. when my sister threw a rock at our cousin and her eye swelled up and mum made us go to her house and apologise in the middle of the night. My sister was eight, i was five.

7. when my mum slapped me while naked and cold for putting soap in the bath and teaching my baby sister to skate. I was 9.

8. My dad hit me and i thought stretch marks were the scars from the beating until i learnt otherwise at 15.

9. I was the most liked in my class because i was smart in primary school.

10. i was a bully and hated the pretty girls in junior school.

11. when i told a kid in my class that Michael Jackson was my mum’s brother from a different mum just coz i had a really cool pen that i said he gave me.

12. i cried myself to sleep when i watched Michael Jackson concert in Bucharest.

13. i used to pretend to be dancing to Michael Jackson when i needed the loo.

14. i cut myself on my thigh on the sink trying to get collamine lotion when i had chicken pox. I was so scared to tell my mum because that was the same day i discovered condoms. I opened it and it was so slippery, i stuffed it back in. if i had shown them i had hurt myself, i would have been caught out. So i just put salt on it for three whole weeks and never said anything.


coNgratuLationS to U

There's hope. Now Jill has a baby boy she was told she could never have. What a miracle!!!!!It renewS me hope about A loT of thiNGs. God's coming through....



I felt all gooey inside. I came home last night, opened my blog, and Alas…Comments! I rouged nah I tinted jus a little around the cheeks. I was so excited i had written something that ‘the Others’ read and commented on. I was so honored, elated even!

Two hours later, not so honored, rather, scared was I. Someone other than the one friend I had told about ilikemyself is going to read this. I became tense and so anxious I avoided my laptop the whole evening….well avoided looking at my page that is and froze all thoughts that began with ‘What shall I write about now?’ Have any of you bloggers gone through this? BLOGFRIGHT?

See, I fear my writing is going to be weighed and found ‘wanting’. I fear people may be offended and I will never be able to apologize enough or X-factor may catch wind of it and feel I misrepresented him. I wouldn’t want this to be like high school. Yep, high school was not my fave hangout. I won some friends, yet lost many. I loved some teachers, yet scared many. I don’t want to be in a sphere where I need to be appreciated or applauded for what I think/feel/how I express myself. I live in that atmosphere everyday and it exhausts me! So here I am accepting blog life as a place where I exhale, where I rest, where I can laugh at myself or even say my prayers.
*Side note: Sometimes, only sometimes though i feel as if my spirit is trapped by mine eyes, my education, my world’s laws and dress codes and I desperately need ways to just let it be. I say its trapped because when my heart beats faster about a thought, I instinctively retract the thought/ remove myself from the causal environment. And I muffle my cry and stifle my scream or swallow my laugh so I guess I am just blogging to let my spirit breathe, so I can breathe lighter. Then the other thing is the darn page will not let you leave until you have climaxed? Until you have brought light to that point, acknowledged that funny feeling dwelling in you and shed light on it and birthed it, with words. It just will not let you go that easily. I know because I have been trying to leave…


unpaCKing- Exes

1. We dated on/off for six years and even today if i think about him/even dream (idontknowYistilldream about him). …he calls or emails… telePAT HETIC! But its true, I think we will be connected beyond time. He has a gorgeous wife and two children whom he never told me about until a year ago sooo I wouldn’t take him back if the sun begged me.

2. I STALKED him and i pity the fool because back then, I had ENERGY, all that Keri Hilson-all of my energy business. I put it into getting him back. Like those bulldozers nothing would stand in my way. I fought others and him and myself that year. Of course, if you want to put your best foot forward to get a man back, don’t let it be your Psycho Terminator Foot! Needless to say, i finally got over him in the most ‘unconventional’ way by yep i said it…by getting under. I pray for him still, but I don’t reckon we can have a decent conversation again. Or we could…WHEN WE ARE FIFTY!

3. No WAY! U know when you trying to get back with someone only you think, its not getting them back, you think you are STILL in a relationship, then you find out that they had already broken up with you and you are now in BOOTY zone. Huh? He pulled a fast neat one on me..so i unpacked him a long time ago but it most definitely hurt for a while.

4. Final Ex-Straw. I messed up! I should never have ventured there. I had this Peter Pan image of him that he would grow up to be a really pleasant, fun and lovingme kind of guy. That he wouldn’t even change. Now i see he is just A guy…he is from the mal-communication non-commitant unconsciously-manipulative bloodline!

5. My Ex-files have been unloaded now. No more venturing backwards! Real love can only bring you to a place of learning and acceptance. Honestly, I think if i had never loved these people I would never have learntAthing…i would be bitter, offlove itself and be really destructive. But I did love them, SO I can walk away with my head held high and my eyes focused on G. If a man happens to walk up to me from the horizon, I have to ask him to step a little to the left and come at me from the side, because nothing should obstruct my G-view EVER again coz that’s how i get when in L. I rearrange my thoughts, personality, compromise my spirituality and standards for WHAT? A-soon-2-B-Ex.! No more VIP for you lot!

Next come, next served. (No more first come, first served).



unpaCKing Complex-ions

thanks to a friend, I now know what to do to move on..i need to carry my relationship suitcase and take everything out in order to pack all new things in the correct manner for the next journey. I will upack things sequentially, take a long look at them to see if they are too soiled to hold on to or just no longer necessary. i ll have a look to see if they are still necessary for the next leg or outdated...
So day 1:What shall i take out?

Unfortunately I can't delete my memory so lets look for an easier option...um well..okay i will take out complexion, yes the shade of the skin. I have always preferred light skinned men to darkskinned men, in fact, I preferred mix raced men to any other race. I associate them with love, honesty, romance and a little vulnerability because they don't really belong anywhere and also versatility, now it seems anywhere in Africa, they can be who they want to be: lovers, friends, white, black, indian, latino, gangster, softies, gay, straight and noone seems to judge them harshly. Their race rings of all sorts of potential, now they have Obama. Go figure. Anyway, I have a weakness for them. I like the contrast in complexions and obviously, selfish i know, but i like the way some wish they had the colouring that I do. I feel more appreciated. This skin holds me up, keeps my insides in and harm out on quite a large scale so of course I love it. But for someone to look at it and crave for it, oh it makes me feel good. To be loved for the colour of your skin amongst other things is cool with me, just don't hate me on that basis.....so light skinned brothers, i leave you here. I have loved you and admired you for a long time now. You have loved me back too, thank you but the fact that I am single today means that I have to shift gears, change lanes, or just become more open. Play on a bigger field, swim in the ocean so goodbye to my prejudiced self. One item down....whew.



So Simple

In L with the ex you see so i clearly have issues. Hope will sail past it coz it def would be:
It would be, it would be
It would be so simple
What it is
Aint what it was
What should it be
When it comes to you
And how it seems
Aint how it is
There's been a change
When it comes to me, yeah
Oh baby you, oh baby me
Oh maybe we can try another day, another way
All in my mind,
I'm wondering why,
We can not find what was left at the beginning
If I could
Need you again
Kiss you again
Kiss you again
It would be, it would be so simple
Cause I would love you again,
Hold you again,
Need you again
It would be, it would be,
Could it be, could it be so simple
Now it's hardly simple
It's just simply hard,


My-O-ma..im crazylikeyou.

its nearly that time again, when my mind swells with memories of you and they crowd out my sleep, forcing my tears out. i miss you so much. i miss your face. i miss your laugh. i miss your love. i miss your trying hard to get better. i miss your advice. you wiped away my tears with your smile, cradled my pain in your warm arms. i saw you last week in your son's eyes. he was looking into the distance and it looked like he was overflowing with wisdom and joy that they became slightly crooked, like yours would. then your first son gave me a 'moon of a hug', it felt like how christening should feel. nothing could dim your spark, you are the brightest star. since you have been gone, we laugh harder now, until it hurts. we make jokes about trees, cats, cows, anything really. we were never like that before. we are trying to fill this gap but its growing bigger. and some of us are falling in,these are your jokes we are telling, these are your children we are loving, your games we are reinventing, your face we are fighting to keep alive in our minds and our beings...but oh how it hurts to know we can't feel you, hear you nor need you. one sack has fallen of the donkey's cart, we are losing weight and the presence we once had on this earth because you are gone. it feels ridiculous to cry for you, just come back already. twist our turns Lady Chaos, Lady Love, Lady Charm. twist our turns.

kiss my nose, pat my back, tickle me then run away and hide under some linen, tiptoe behind me, surprise me, scream with me...live with me.

I won't say it..squeeze it out of me, tickle it out of me.NO! insert giggling, gasping,FINE! breathlessness. FINE,FINE! sigh, Goodbye. i love you. Goodbye. I need you.