Throwback: Escapar

Yes the Spanish version. I learnt this off by heart when I was 19 so I could impress Enrique one day. I even found a guy at uni who looked exactly like him and I stalked him till the cows came home hehe. Seriously, I waited for him to come back from club and knocked on his door so we could chat (seriously just talk), I bought similar pumas to his so he could compliment them (or at least see that we had the same taste). He complimented my pants once, i wore them every second day after that...mmm I wonder where he is now...


Depressed? Sad? Alone?Lost?

Psalm 32:3 
When I kept silent, my bones grew old
         Through my groaning all the day long.

Sometimes pain distracts/deters you from asking for healing...despair makes you think that you will never get past it. But KNOW, maybe not at that moment but eventually you will BE past it.

Call a friend or family to help you through it. although they may annoy you at first with little quotes or bible verses or whatever, those encouraging words strung together with love, laughs and hope eventually become a song that can ease your pain. pick up the phone, send a text...talk to someone. Don't be afraid to let someone in on that little secret-->that you are hurting of course.  No man is an island and your feelings are part of this economy too, along with your jobs, school, raising family, daily chores, exercise regimes, eating etc. If you can laugh in public, you can cry in public too...that is your calling card to seek help. You  don't have to wait till you are in an enclosed space, alone with a sad movie on and then express yourself. There is honor even in vulnerability and fragility. There is strength and a voice in your tears. Do not be ashamed.

Point is, we are the angels we so desperately want to look over us. Go out of your way today and lift someone's spirit up. B an angel! Offer your kindness, sincerity, conversation, time to someone in need. Don't trivialize your hellos and how are yous anymore! Listen, pay attention because there is probably somebody sitting right next to you distracted by pain, sometimes even too numb to even shout or yell out for help. Reach out and touch someone, comfort them, hold them. Faith without action is pointless so your 'hope' that they will be fine is simply not enough. ACT and give that person something to truly believe in.

You are the SOLUTION to the question: How can there be a GOD if He doesn't wipe my tears away? (emotions are part of the economy too)


Dear Grandma

I miss you terribly. I can't believe I won't see you in this life anymore. I am going to miss
- stopping at TM for an emergency loo break
-going to Norton just to sleep on your bed
-introducing you to my boyfriends and hearing your opinion of them
-the interesting stories about you riding a bicycle when you used to   
train women 
 -You saying Jack, Pssh' or 'Syke' in answer to our 'Wassap Gogo!
-you wearing those dark glasses even when it was clear you didn't need them anymore
-stopping at that farm to buy cabbages for your children
- us sneaking chibage for you
-buying derere for you 
-you cracking jokes at the hospital 
-miss everyone calling you Frend (not a spelling error)
-miss mama doing your nails
-dropping you off at the ETs
-going to the wrong appointments
-making us sit in the corridor when there was lightning
-watching you do tye-n-dyes, crocheting, knitting and beading jewelry for us
-going to buy wool together
-recharging/stealing the phone to call your friends
-being mad at you when you 'overworried' about us and your daughters. Whose going to do that now?
I am sorry I couldn't visit you in hospital. I just never thought it was the end. I never believed it. I never believe it. Now its been a year and I really wish you were on a vacation. I miss everything about you. I wish I could have been there for you more...You are my legend, my hera. I love you Frend. I hope to see you in eternity! (I would say Wassap Frend and you would say Jack)


TI ft Keri Hilson I got your back!

 I love TI and Tiny...again with the shortness

When he is shorT of breaTh, girl you know its cause he is shorT of you; 
Raise up your man's swag and get his back.

Love is for die (#zimtalk), 
Through all them thicks and thins, he is still the same man under that label's skin.


LeSSonS: If you never ask, you never know...

Most of my posts have been about moving on from exes and this is no different...I am moving on and moving out from my LAST potential crush...an ex of a trillion years ago but I loved him for ages and I kept revisiting his life to see if he was still single? interested? (You know, not house calls but follow ups).

So this week I grew balls and asked him whether him and I would ever be a possibility...He said:

He is afraid of the implications of embarking on a long term relationship
He is in a relationship (definite no no)
Our priorities are just different

I could launch into an analysis of these statements but more often than you think, it is better to take the words as they are so I got my release forms today people and I am getting on that bus....No clue where its headed yet but at least now I know that I haven't left any men behind! Below R some helpful tools 2 make getting over it AL a tad bit easier. But the greatest of these, although not pictured below is
A REALITY CHECK- free and easily accessible and all you need to do is ASK!


Miss T has come a very long way.....

 i have come from fear, from feeling delicate and trying to protect my heart from feeling.
from expecting the world to wrap me in cotton wool so i wouldn't hurt;
from needing time to become myself;
when I already AM,
bruised or not at all.

 now i am here, a little timid but a lot of bold!
fear is not going to keep me from expressing myself
if expressing myself is the one action that 'betters' me.
here i am world, 'do with it what you will'
here are my love, my thoughts, my ideas


Goodbye Ms JayJay!

SO Terius Nash announces he is separated from Christina Milian after being photographed frolicking with another woman..This struck a cord with me and I have just figured why I was so mad...
Its an 'everybody in the club' who has had a 'heart-breaker, you got the best of me' moment 'put your hands up' *both hands shoot up*!!!!!!
My first real heart break came about when the 'love of my 17-22 years old moment' told me he had a son and a live-in girlfriend and I hadn't know about this until he got stabbed and he had to explain into whose care he was being discharged-excuse the phrasing of the sentence. Because he was in so much pain and he was so helpless, I never had a chance to get really mad at him. I simply told him that it was okay and he should be with his baby mama because she could look after him and she had good reason to. Because he fathered her child and she obviously loved him. I suppose, I would have done the same thing too, nursed him to health if I wasn't living with my parents and going back to uni in Australia blah blah. I would have done the same thing even if I knew he had a girlfriend on the side (she had known about me all along). I remember ringing him on his mobile after the incident to check on how he was doing. His girlfriend and I would have a civil conversation and even laugh about a thing or two. I mean what do you do when you have a common interest like that? We had cut the physical ties but he had me emotionally (even as I write). 

Anyway, I would like to apologise to the real Mrs Jackson for the pain he caused her while with me. You and I are women and we are more than similar, we are sisters- we go through the same thing every dang month, we are nurturers, we descend from Eve and her pains are both our pains and her joys and needs are the same as ours. You deserved all of your man yet he split himself into two.
(Genesis 3.16)

Today, I thought I was mad at The Dream for Christina's sake and all those women who had men who played them or men who manipulated them into a 'jumpoff' status- I thought 'these poor women'. These poor women at the mercy of such ironically 'merciless' men; 2-minute men who fed their egos by scoring beautiful women who they made feel worthless because they cheated openly and strung them on emotionally and sometimes physically; these rogues who occasionally threw in unexpected compliments like throwing a dog a snack- anything to keep these women chewing on something till they could give them their full attention; these men who sent messages saying 'i worry about you' to express their concern yet in the same breath belittling these women's abilities to look after themselves; these men who reminded these women of the secrets they shared to lure them to the past so they can have their way with them again; these men who declared 'how difficult it was to get through to these women' because one night and one night only, this woman was not taken in by his typical advances and it dawned on him that this WOMAN wanted more than his leftover time...these men who run toward the exit sign under the guise of 'I don't know what she wants from me, I have done everything I can.......'

But not my man!(Lesson learned: always think twice and check your references before saying something like that) 'He never did any of these things', I tell myself. 'He never hurt me like that'.  Duh because he was my first boyfriend, I had never been hurt like that before, so naturally, I did not recognise the pain that was creeping into my life over the years and quietly making me so 'subconsciously embittered'. I masked this pain with 'how much I loved him' and never really weighed the relationship according to 'how much he loved me'. Fact: A person who truly loves you wouldn't get you into such a hot mess but a selfish person would! A person who loves you endeavors to protect you even if it means not being with you. Another Fact: They love the ones they stay with--->cheating or not cheating. The value tends to be higher at the place he strays from rather than the place he is straying to.

FLASH FORWARD he had his second son (somewhere in between emailing i miss yous and long distance calls to Oz and telling me it was his sister's baby); he got engaged to that baby mama; and he continued to email  me to check on me. The pitiful thing is that I would often imagine being a step-mommy to his children if it didn't work out between them- okay maybe not imagine but in my heart of hearts, if he needed me to be, I thought I would and I would deal with the drama later. Probably until right now, I would have had his baby (because one lazy day he said that he would love to have a little girl with me and I have just realised I need to bury that memory for my sake). Again sorry to TheRealMrsJayJay for having such thoughts about your husband.

You friggin' hurt me Mr JayJay. You manipulated me into giving the best of my naivete to you. You should have known better. You made me a 'sideline beep' when i should have been more.  I am so happy I realised this because I had begun to portray you as 'my ideal man' yet you weren't. I have a new opportunity now to meet someone who is ranked above that kind of foolery. I look forward to new hands carrying my heart and stroking my skin. I look forward to fresh affection and new conversation topics. I look forward to new experiences and new memories now. The pedestal just fell to the ground.. Perhaps I judged you harshly MrJayJay, maybe you didn't know any better but thank the Lord, that's not my problem to fix...I am moving past and on. Do I forgive you? Haha thats funny, I gave you a lot of things and I guess I have no reason to hold one more thing back. I forgive you because I need to. Its funny because I gave your ring away, your clothes away, your gifts away, but I never knew why I couldn't shake you off till now (I hadn't really seen the pain you caused me until I recognised it in someone else's life) finally I know that your beautiful face doesn't 'cover all manners of sin', it doesn't account for anything at all in my life anymore...it is what it is, a face that belongs to someone I was once in love with.

Dear Men, learn to exercise your love, patience and tolerance muscle instead of stretching your lustful  membranes. Work it out with your girls. Sometimes variety is not the spice of life! Weak men stay in the shallow end but strong, courageous men go into the deep end and work to obtain strong, lasting relationships Don't let fear hold you back from something you will gain honour and respect for...

So all you boys out there with the same M.O you should be mindful that you may have daughters too and if you don't start protecting their little hearts by becoming better men TODAY who influence the younger generation to be better men-->you might as well get familiar with the words in this blogpost and prepare for the worst.



Rambling 16 hours and 30 minutes before my results

I went for dinner with a couple who were so hilarious and loving tonight. At first, I thought it would be so awkward because of my 'Single-party of one' status but they were so welcoming. I swear these two love each other so much that you cannot, even for a millisecond, think they can possibly not love you. Their love is overflowing #truestory. 

We spoke of our pet peeves, our joys, our concerns, our fears, our worlds and I didn't feel less smarter than them at all because the root of the conversation was us. The conversation that took place was from our own point of views rather than from what the media, the school or just society dictates. I didn't feel like I repeated myself about certain issues or better still, I didn't feel like I echoed anyone else. I felt like an interesting individual and I thought of both of them in the same way too.

I get to know my results for my course at 4.30pm tomorrow and I am a little worried to be honest but the God in me is saying I am going to be fine no matter what the outcome is. Normally (since last year really), I could just close my eyes and see the expression I would have after obtaining the result: like if the results were going to be good; I would see myself smiling or there will be certain positive words. But today, I see nothing. In fact, I don't want to see any images because I know I won't believe them. If its a happy face, I think I will probably find some other explanation for it and if its a crying face, I will explain it away again so yup here I am...'an unknowing fool' because I choose not to know.What I do know is that the Lord I know and serve (well mostly try to serve) is faithful in all regards and He will continue to lead me by green pastures AND quiet waters AND make me surefooted as the deer. Beyond and during tomorrow, He Is. I am in no place to doubt His provision for my life. 

Father Almighty. You are Lord of heaven and earth. You can move mountains and change hearts of kings. You love us and sacrificed Your Son for us. Today, I come  to you, a sinner, who manages time pretty badly, who doesn't regularly seek you and sometimes holds an unforgiving heart. You know these things about me yet you love me and have made me righteous and worthy to come to You in Your Son's name.  Thank you for sustaining me all these days of my life. Today I would like to pray for my results: that my parents  and I will be happy tomorrow after I receive and tell them my results Father. Lord, I would like to celebrate and be joyful tomorrow so I seek Your mercy upon me Father. I seek Your favour upon my life. I seek your reassurance and a peace that surpasses all my understanding as I leave my concerns in Your hands. I am in awe of you Father. I lift Your Holy Name above my fears, above all things. I will raise my hands and praise Your Mighty Name because You are good. In Jesus' Name I pray..Amen!!

Ok I am crashing now...the hubby of the lovely couple made a quiche and chocolate and custard pudding so I am crashing after a very high 'high' from the chocolate so will have to leave it here for now

Toodles my lovelies

P.S.. I had not known that my ramblings would end up as a prayer but hey. He is a God after our own hearts. He takes us to the heart of the matter even when we haven't a clue what we will find there, He knows.