The blogpost previously titled Sh!t then my day turned into such so...am watching my words now

Pain revisited.....i thought it was dawn, i thought the sun was about to rise. Then I think I must have stepped on an active landmine. Now I am doing time or life, with shrapnel lodged in my every state of mind. I can’t think past it. I can’t move beyond it. I can’t breathe in. And I can’t exhale. It’s that dang pink elephant that’s causing this doom. Who do I speak to? Who do I tell? I can’t even explain it...and I am done telling tales! Unchain me! Let my life go! Let my future be filled with me being a hopeful so and so. I am done doing 10 to life. It was your mistake, not mine. Its your life that has left me peculiar, ridiculous...your choice! I have shrugged and brushed it off for so long, but its never ever really gone. If I take one wrong step, hear one wrong line then my mind drifts back to when you stole my time. SH!T. Can my mind get the memo?

“It’s over, its done! You survived, outlasted it all. You are a hero...you rescued time...with new thoughts, new ideas, new plans....the old is only as good as evidence now. But I see no jury nor judge...you will never been on trial for this past done. You are no one’s victim, just a witness to the past done done. These eyes are windows to your soul, not just to a mere time of old. Look past through to your soul! Let the light come to it! You will see that you are alive and you are whole once again.”

Revelation 21:4-5
‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”


The status of love

Background: Some years ago, I lost my cousin to HIV/AIDS complications.  He was eleven and the coolest kid around. I remember we had driven from SA where my dad and aunt had picked me up after my first year of uni and we drove through his hometown. I wanted to stop by and say hello but we were running late and needed to get to harare. SO we drove past and that was the last time I could have seen him. Anyway, he passed along to God and now he is home with his Father. 

Today: I have always wanted to adopt, I still do and recently I accidentally ended up at an orphanage and there were all these beautiful children. They came outside to greet us and chat with us. One, in particular stepped up to me and held my finger so tightly...I couldn't help but feel so happy. I picked him up and he sat on my hip so comfortably and quietly. We seemed a great pair, us two. It was so hard to let him go because he made me so happy, just having him there.

As we went home, I asked the other girls about the status (HIV) of the children and yup some were positive and some weren't. My conscience kept asking me "What does it matter what their status is? What does it matter?" I gave such weak answers saying I wouldn't be able to meet their needs. It would be hard to look after him/her-->the medication, the diet, after school accidents, stigma, my family's reaction etc. LSS, I was terrified that he/she would die prematurely and my family would be heartbroken just as heartbroken as we were when we lost my cousin. I didn't want my nieces and nephs to experience such a loss. Basically, I had every parent's desire...that my child outlives me. Today I happened on another orphanage (they keep popping up don't they?) and I voiced my fear for the first time ever..."I am afraid that if I adopt a child with HIV, he/she will die just like my cousin and I don't want to feel that pain again. I don't want my child to hurt like he did''. And I choked the tears back because I was supposed to be conducting an important interview and I couldn't let them fall. He answered me simply, "tbey are normal children on medication. they just need a good diet to go with the medication which has to be taken in a timely manner". He made it so simple....The guilt that comes with fear is so unbearable and is sooner done away with. In my heart of hearts, I knew it was wrong to discriminate based on HIV status because it felt like I was discriminating against my own. Away with the fear, away with the guilt(with God, nothing is impossible), I can do this!

Got me thinking...we have come a long way since the beginning of the decade. There is more hope for everybody: children, parents, families...there is life. So, although I am so grateful at this new lease of life, I just wish it could have been done sooner.. More children had access to drugs, more hospitals/clinics providing to them, more people aware of these possibilities that they would know how to fight for their children in the healthcare system but I am grateful that I really have nothing to be afraid of.  Zvandapihwa nashe, ndinogamuchira. handirambe! I will fight for the survival and well-being of my child no matter what

I may sound naive and prejudiced but pleease forgive me, I am only learning to become this person I am meant to be.
Don't feel sorry for the abandoned child, 
Feel MORE than sorry~TNM


Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
Romans 12.15



"Maybe just maybe, I am somebody's and you are mine. We may have never crossed paths, but our hearts and prayers pass each other every day. Every morning, you awake with a need, I awake with one too. Maybe, just maybe, we were meant to be. You have questioning eyes and I have quivering, "won't-stop talking" lips. Are we the same? How can we belong together? Can I look after you? Are you able? Will you love me? Will I love you? Why don't we try? You can't take me back though. I won't let you go, you know. From the moment you walked through my hearts door, I knew that you were somebody's and now I know you are mine. Our prayers and hearts have crossed paths. You have filled my need as I have yours. You can say it. Don't be afraid. Yes, I am your family now. Let me carry you. Let me hold you. Let me provide for you. Let me know you. Let me teach you. Let me love you Rapeleng"
Acts:4.34 Neither was there any among them that lacked......


To be or not to be........slow

The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. 2 Peter 3.9
Just remember that it is His promise He is set on keeping....not anyone else's. HIS! His promise to YOU. So as long as God is keeping His promise, it is well with my soul.



 I am off healing because I recently acknowledged that I am a little broken! The heart appears to break when very important components are torn from it....like hope, love and faith. And I know I can't deal or even exist without the fullness of these so I will be gone for a while.....Hopefully I get restored as soon as poss....well as soon as is necessary. I hate to say it but Lord, take as long as it needs...(secretly hoping it won't be that long but hey i guess that will be dealt with too). You can go around telling the world your problems but if you don't tell the right Person...its pointless especially if He knows clearly that something's up. So ....

healing, peace and love to you all!

Till then....


Lilies, shackles and shame

Dear Blog,
I am so sorry that I am taking you through a dark time but this was me BC. This was me when I was hurting within and as a result, hurting myself on the outside. Maybe someone else has felt like this, maybe someone else recognizes feeling like this and needs a way out. I eventually was brought out though by JC. So I know I am different because I am going through a quite taxing time now without the added drama or superficial coping mechanisms and I am finding my way out without the past morbidness but surrounded by love and a resilient Holy Spirit within me. People may be tired of the whole happy-problem free Christian and need to know that there was a whole other life before that. Even if it may seem like your path is not heading that way because the light is so dim....know that God finds you wherever you are. And even if it feels like you are  doing it all alone, you R definitely not! I am here aren't I?  So here goes.....

Does the lily not live in its own grave?
It lives in the dirt one day
And dies in it another…….
My life has served me as the soil has served the flower.
I will brave the seasons through and through
I will enjoy the sunrise and the smooth morning dew
Then lay my head here
In grace or in tears
Faith or with fears
Night will come
And I will be laying down my head
Rusty and resting...
In the comfort of my last hour
in a life I lived shackled like a flower



The shackles dig
Deep to my once clothed marrow
My blood is too thirsty to spill
My feet too numb to feel.
But I must trudge
Towards a destination
Where fame and good fortune
Fate and misfortune
A haven for mood swings,
A chapel for regrets.
I trudge
There is no room for pity.
Perhaps trinkets of defiance
Are smuggled in by hopeful pores
But these are luxuries,
Time affords not to spare.
So rather,
Madness, bitterness, anger!
Blaming another
is like butter on a knife:
It simply melts and loses substance
when confronted
By hefty opponents called Reason and Doubt.
So I trudge,
Now my eyes are lost in my head
Drooping eyelids shroud my empty sockets.
And I am guided
By a mere scent.
Putrid, to others, it may be
But humility is the path I will follow now.
I am
No longer invincible!
For on my back
I carry all I can claim
To be mine


Now know that Jesus carried a cross He would die on, on His scarred back for you. Nothing can beat LOVE. LOVE heals all manners of shame, covers all manners of sin. 

Kisses and cuddles (KCEES)



You can’t see me until you think I am beautiful
You can’t touch me until you believe I am sexy
You can’t hear me until you clear your head of all that's on your mind

You can’t ever taste me until memories of once sweet kisses have tired 

And are forgot!

Until your body is bathed off every odor,
No scent of mine will linger in your thoughts, on your body or in your presence.
These are the rules to which you abide:
The simple conditions to be a part of my life.

Tired of a love that only she knows and understands
And sick to her stomach in want of it.
She writes
Promises to never compromise her confidence or betray her heart or abuse her body
Hurt because of a pain that scars her alone
She prays that from every home
No more are bred to cause her grief, distress and weaken her once secure and steady form

Angry and ready to bolt
Fearful yet seeking confrontation
Crazy and playing it cool
Yet shaking and falling to her knees in the face of a sneering opponent

Ruined and in need of a remedy
Alone and in need of company
Shattered and in need of repair
Yet sinking in this punishment

She is beautiful
Yet finding it hard to believe;
Having never felt it.
Few people around, are grateful for her presence
Fewer still seeking her attention 
and on attaining it are so quick to disregard it.

She is fun
And hoping the laughs are not directed at her
Of course not,
"She is worthy of the finest cut of diamonds
She deserves to walk on a lake of rubies
She ought to bathe with sparkling Chardonnay"
As one suitor claimed
Sticking by his words
As well as he stood by her
Like a leech, until the blood-sucker was full!

Whether she is insecure or hopeful or even fails ………………

She just wants to be treated as beautiful as she feels
Before this feeling fades into abstract art
Just once
One man’s manner to mirror her worth
She knows her worth
Just wants to feel it
Else she may forget.

My worth again is Jesus’ death on the cross for me



how exciting it was
to be able to pick up any girl from any club.
how great you felt
to get any woman you worked with.
how your peers cheered you on.
how there were catfights over you.

how your wife lived
by your hospital bed.
how your children bathed you 
and carried you
from the toilet and back.
how your sons are uncertain
of who to look up to.
how your daughters
can’t differentiate between a good man
and ‘your kind’ of a man.
how your parents
still don’t understand what’s happening.
that your girlfriend and wife
are both with child.
how you thought
you didn’t need “no medication”.
how hard you laughed
when they said
“Get Tested!”
that those who have always loved you
still do
(but are just a little hurt and confused by you).
that those who were ‘rolling’ with you
are now buried by you.......

I realize I may sound rather judgmental and I sincerely apologize. It is my opinion that there is so much unspoken pain  with respect to the losses we have all suffered as a result of our loved ones contracting and dying from HIV/AIDS. It was really bad when there was no treatment available to all and we had to watch them die. Now, it feels like we are in a different time zone--> treatment is accessible, getting tested is not such a tedious process anymore and the stigma surrounding the disease has really gone down. That said, there are still people who are choosing not to protect themselves at all. People who are stepping out of their marital homes and are involved in multiple sexual relationships at one time. I wish these were people I didn't know: people I didn't recognize but I do. All I want is for those who know better, to do better and not succumb to the forces of habit.  It breaks my heart (BMH) each time I see an orphaned child who is on treatment (thank God they are on treatment but this should never have happened). There should be no more children born with HIV/AIDS and it may just start with a change in behavior. 

Life is already too short, try not to make it shorter for yourself and those around you. Be responsible for yours and their sake.  

Akuruma nzeve ndewako. Ndapota Ngatidzoraneyi.


My dear husband

by Laurie Cooper

I have been called so I can speak to you.
I have been told words 
that when spoken 
are powerful and mighty.
They strengthen weaklings
Yet bow to the heavens.

Words that greet
Words that wish well
Words that preach
And words that heal.

I have been called so I can touch you
And then firmly embrace you.

I have been called so that I may hear you:
Your soundless breaths;
Your echoing chambers of thought;
Your anxiety when making plans.

I have been called so that I can share with you
Sunny days,
Esteem shattering gales,
Nail biting storms
And comforting candlelit coves.

I am here now.
I stand before you,
Where I am called 
finally to be your wife.

(No harm in being prepared right?)

What Next

I have rejoiced
In the conquest over my soul
Won by the most patient,
Most loving,
Most merciful Victor
of them all!

My image had become faceless
My body of course…

I had fought all I could.
I laid my weapons down.
Pride was first
Then Anger, 
oooh those bitter tears.
And finally,
my fears.
What next?

Would life make me its home?

Would love?

Would peace?

What next?

My body.
This vessel was nowhere near full
But a divine spirit is now poured into it each day.
I have sensation in my fingertips again.
When i touch people, 
i feel them.
My heart IS a room.
When i love people,
I carry them there

What next?


More smiles
More laughs
More joy

After tears.

This is worth it, So-so worth it!


Why Wasn't I Afraid?

Your arms were held out open to me
All the while,
You knew
I was in despair
And in dire confusion
With neither perspective nor goals.

 it was simpler to be lost,
Better even, 
that with time all would be forgot.

But why wasn’t I afraid to be a wanderer,
lacking faith and composure
And  fearing trust?

Forgive me lord, I forgot my worth,
The cross carried for me;
The tears wept for me;
The blood shed for me...
I forgot,
Your love which binds me eternally to You
Which can never be compromised,
Which will never fail,
Which shields me from my foes
Which strengthens me in any confrontations
Which guides me
And  my family too!

Why wasn’t I afraid to leave you, God?
Why was I so quick to step away?
I was quick to reject you:
To deny you
As you were tortured within.
I let your son suffer for me each day.

Have I neither remorse nor shame?
Have I no sorrow, no respect, no fear, no belief?
Forgive me Lord, I forgot my loyalty
And my place.
I am here again
Weak and helpless as a child
Clothe me
Hold me 
And please don’t ever wean me. 

Some issues take longer to resolve than to create.
Are they even worth it?


One night stand

Laying here
He now knows your name,
and to your contours,
he is slowly adjusting.
Your motions and your tones,
he is slowly recognizing.

You giggle.
But he doesn’t know why
You smile,
And you swear '"no connotations!"
Too late,
He is already slighted.

You blink.
Are you distracted?
Wait a minute,
Are those tears?
You laugh.

"Do I spell it for you?"
"Am I too extreme?"
What about...

"Take me home".
"Call me".
"Some spontaneity please"!
Is that what you want?

"We are dividing too much into too little
These answers you seek
bequeath knowledge
To questions
Bred, read and raised
Through ties, time or trauma.
If you ask tonight
You seek too much in too little
And if I tell tonight......well
Your questions seek histories
Asking for what you did not create
Entitling you to my future
Built on a past that you have already
To violate...
So take me home"
"Never mind, 
I will call a cab".
"Tsk Goodnight".

Was it even worth it?



If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land
Isaiah 1.19




As dusk sets in,
I wonder how well I will sleep tonight;
And how precious the morning will perceive me
When I am within its sight

But while the day sleeps,
I wonder how many things I have sought
And have truly found;
How many things for which I have dreamed
That I rightly deserve…

While the children play,
I wonder how sensitive
I have been to my fortune;
How honest I have been
As I confront life’s true meaning………

While the parents age,
I wonder how grateful
I have been;
How worthy of their patience
I am

While the friends laugh,
I wonder how much
Of their joy I truly want to share;
And how much of their tears
I can wipe away………

Then when dawn advances,
Knowing no other way to be
I wonder,


B&B Part II

            At the minute, there’s a family of 3: parents and their son. SO they are a ‘colourful’ (mix-raced) family as the son indicated in our first proper conversation. All the others have been me screaming when he puts his head around the door because I’m just not used to guy’s voices or me telling him to ‘go smoke over there’. Anyway ladies, there’s a good man in there who is also looking to be right with himself, God (but doesn’t fully know it yet) and the right woman. Prayers please! So since I have adopted his mom because she cooks so well, he is my brother so nothing there much to my relief because if anyone knows me well enough from reading my blog or otw...I am a recovering ‘colourful’ addict. yuuuup! So he is my brother! She’s my mother and dad is papa of course. One big happy family. An interesting fact I just found out...this brings absolute joy to my heart: my mummy converted from Islam to Christianity when she met papa. Her first husband passed away about 20 years ago. Anyway these two are the craziest lovebirds ever...seriously if I could put pictures or the videos of the crazy shenanigans they get up to....unbeweavable!!!!

Oh my bad! My ‘big little sister’s mum and granma live here as well so we have two mummies and a granma. How blessed am I! We have cats too but am struggling to count them as anything other than flea carriers so maybe in due course, we could be family (don’t hold your breath on that one!)

I have another non b&b family and wow...they are Zimbabwean too and we have been family friends for ages so our blackgrounds are quite similar and their arms are wide open to receive me every weekend. So (without disclosing too much) I love them but I hate that I have to wait till the weekend to see them because they are my ‘peoples’ you know. We speak the same language; are used to the same foods, laugh at nearly the same things. Yes, I won’t say anything else about them because they may actually read this...see what I mean about being the same. I doubt that any of the other people even know my last name or have my facebook id that they could link this post back to me.... but they might. That’s family right? Prayers for them too as they brave this lovely peaceful country that they have to call home.

So I have learnt that home is where you lay your head to rest; a place you always anticipate returning to; a place you can be comfortable and express yourself with laughter and tears; where you can cook in heels and shorts without worrying about being looked at funny; a place where you expect to love and be loved......this is my home for now. I am learning to accept it. Like Jacob,I am fighting for my blessing still; Like Esther, I am being prepared to be sufficient for my King and my king and our little princesses/princes hehe; Like Peter, I am often chastened; Like Thomas, I doubt too and like Abraham, I am still expectant (so far the only surprise visitor I have had is Aunt Flo but I keep looking at the gate to see if someone I know is there) and my faith is being grown...

(On a personal note, I wonder if Sarah felt like she was blessed before Isaiah. She could see the blessings surrounding her: a good and faithful man who spoke with God, the wealth, God’s promises to them etc....sigh! time for an icecream break....post-icecream: I know I am blessed. I know it. I am in God’s sight all day and no harm befalls me and I have a job, my salvation, my health, income, friends. What I do not have with me must not stop me from experiencing the fruits of these blessings. My mind knows this to be true. I just wish my emotions would get with the program).

Anyway till soon

BTW: Where is Rainyjoy??????