To be or not to be........slow

The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. 2 Peter 3.9
Just remember that it is His promise He is set on keeping....not anyone else's. HIS! His promise to YOU. So as long as God is keeping His promise, it is well with my soul.



 I am off healing because I recently acknowledged that I am a little broken! The heart appears to break when very important components are torn from it....like hope, love and faith. And I know I can't deal or even exist without the fullness of these so I will be gone for a while.....Hopefully I get restored as soon as poss....well as soon as is necessary. I hate to say it but Lord, take as long as it needs...(secretly hoping it won't be that long but hey i guess that will be dealt with too). You can go around telling the world your problems but if you don't tell the right Person...its pointless especially if He knows clearly that something's up. So ....

healing, peace and love to you all!

Till then....


Lilies, shackles and shame

Dear Blog,
I am so sorry that I am taking you through a dark time but this was me BC. This was me when I was hurting within and as a result, hurting myself on the outside. Maybe someone else has felt like this, maybe someone else recognizes feeling like this and needs a way out. I eventually was brought out though by JC. So I know I am different because I am going through a quite taxing time now without the added drama or superficial coping mechanisms and I am finding my way out without the past morbidness but surrounded by love and a resilient Holy Spirit within me. People may be tired of the whole happy-problem free Christian and need to know that there was a whole other life before that. Even if it may seem like your path is not heading that way because the light is so dim....know that God finds you wherever you are. And even if it feels like you are  doing it all alone, you R definitely not! I am here aren't I?  So here goes.....

Does the lily not live in its own grave?
It lives in the dirt one day
And dies in it another…….
My life has served me as the soil has served the flower.
I will brave the seasons through and through
I will enjoy the sunrise and the smooth morning dew
Then lay my head here
In grace or in tears
Faith or with fears
Night will come
And I will be laying down my head
Rusty and resting...
In the comfort of my last hour
in a life I lived shackled like a flower



The shackles dig
Deep to my once clothed marrow
My blood is too thirsty to spill
My feet too numb to feel.
But I must trudge
Towards a destination
Where fame and good fortune
Fate and misfortune
A haven for mood swings,
A chapel for regrets.
I trudge
There is no room for pity.
Perhaps trinkets of defiance
Are smuggled in by hopeful pores
But these are luxuries,
Time affords not to spare.
So rather,
Madness, bitterness, anger!
Blaming another
is like butter on a knife:
It simply melts and loses substance
when confronted
By hefty opponents called Reason and Doubt.
So I trudge,
Now my eyes are lost in my head
Drooping eyelids shroud my empty sockets.
And I am guided
By a mere scent.
Putrid, to others, it may be
But humility is the path I will follow now.
I am
No longer invincible!
For on my back
I carry all I can claim
To be mine


Now know that Jesus carried a cross He would die on, on His scarred back for you. Nothing can beat LOVE. LOVE heals all manners of shame, covers all manners of sin. 

Kisses and cuddles (KCEES)



You can’t see me until you think I am beautiful
You can’t touch me until you believe I am sexy
You can’t hear me until you clear your head of all that's on your mind

You can’t ever taste me until memories of once sweet kisses have tired 

And are forgot!

Until your body is bathed off every odor,
No scent of mine will linger in your thoughts, on your body or in your presence.
These are the rules to which you abide:
The simple conditions to be a part of my life.

Tired of a love that only she knows and understands
And sick to her stomach in want of it.
She writes
Promises to never compromise her confidence or betray her heart or abuse her body
Hurt because of a pain that scars her alone
She prays that from every home
No more are bred to cause her grief, distress and weaken her once secure and steady form

Angry and ready to bolt
Fearful yet seeking confrontation
Crazy and playing it cool
Yet shaking and falling to her knees in the face of a sneering opponent

Ruined and in need of a remedy
Alone and in need of company
Shattered and in need of repair
Yet sinking in this punishment

She is beautiful
Yet finding it hard to believe;
Having never felt it.
Few people around, are grateful for her presence
Fewer still seeking her attention 
and on attaining it are so quick to disregard it.

She is fun
And hoping the laughs are not directed at her
Of course not,
"She is worthy of the finest cut of diamonds
She deserves to walk on a lake of rubies
She ought to bathe with sparkling Chardonnay"
As one suitor claimed
Sticking by his words
As well as he stood by her
Like a leech, until the blood-sucker was full!

Whether she is insecure or hopeful or even fails ………………

She just wants to be treated as beautiful as she feels
Before this feeling fades into abstract art
Just once
One man’s manner to mirror her worth
She knows her worth
Just wants to feel it
Else she may forget.

My worth again is Jesus’ death on the cross for me



how exciting it was
to be able to pick up any girl from any club.
how great you felt
to get any woman you worked with.
how your peers cheered you on.
how there were catfights over you.

how your wife lived
by your hospital bed.
how your children bathed you 
and carried you
from the toilet and back.
how your sons are uncertain
of who to look up to.
how your daughters
can’t differentiate between a good man
and ‘your kind’ of a man.
how your parents
still don’t understand what’s happening.
that your girlfriend and wife
are both with child.
how you thought
you didn’t need “no medication”.
how hard you laughed
when they said
“Get Tested!”
that those who have always loved you
still do
(but are just a little hurt and confused by you).
that those who were ‘rolling’ with you
are now buried by you.......

I realize I may sound rather judgmental and I sincerely apologize. It is my opinion that there is so much unspoken pain  with respect to the losses we have all suffered as a result of our loved ones contracting and dying from HIV/AIDS. It was really bad when there was no treatment available to all and we had to watch them die. Now, it feels like we are in a different time zone--> treatment is accessible, getting tested is not such a tedious process anymore and the stigma surrounding the disease has really gone down. That said, there are still people who are choosing not to protect themselves at all. People who are stepping out of their marital homes and are involved in multiple sexual relationships at one time. I wish these were people I didn't know: people I didn't recognize but I do. All I want is for those who know better, to do better and not succumb to the forces of habit.  It breaks my heart (BMH) each time I see an orphaned child who is on treatment (thank God they are on treatment but this should never have happened). There should be no more children born with HIV/AIDS and it may just start with a change in behavior. 

Life is already too short, try not to make it shorter for yourself and those around you. Be responsible for yours and their sake.  

Akuruma nzeve ndewako. Ndapota Ngatidzoraneyi.


My dear husband

by Laurie Cooper

I have been called so I can speak to you.
I have been told words 
that when spoken 
are powerful and mighty.
They strengthen weaklings
Yet bow to the heavens.

Words that greet
Words that wish well
Words that preach
And words that heal.

I have been called so I can touch you
And then firmly embrace you.

I have been called so that I may hear you:
Your soundless breaths;
Your echoing chambers of thought;
Your anxiety when making plans.

I have been called so that I can share with you
Sunny days,
Esteem shattering gales,
Nail biting storms
And comforting candlelit coves.

I am here now.
I stand before you,
Where I am called 
finally to be your wife.

(No harm in being prepared right?)

What Next

I have rejoiced
In the conquest over my soul
Won by the most patient,
Most loving,
Most merciful Victor
of them all!

My image had become faceless
My body of course…

I had fought all I could.
I laid my weapons down.
Pride was first
Then Anger, 
oooh those bitter tears.
And finally,
my fears.
What next?

Would life make me its home?

Would love?

Would peace?

What next?

My body.
This vessel was nowhere near full
But a divine spirit is now poured into it each day.
I have sensation in my fingertips again.
When i touch people, 
i feel them.
My heart IS a room.
When i love people,
I carry them there

What next?


More smiles
More laughs
More joy

After tears.

This is worth it, So-so worth it!


Why Wasn't I Afraid?

Your arms were held out open to me
All the while,
You knew
I was in despair
And in dire confusion
With neither perspective nor goals.

 it was simpler to be lost,
Better even, 
that with time all would be forgot.

But why wasn’t I afraid to be a wanderer,
lacking faith and composure
And  fearing trust?

Forgive me lord, I forgot my worth,
The cross carried for me;
The tears wept for me;
The blood shed for me...
I forgot,
Your love which binds me eternally to You
Which can never be compromised,
Which will never fail,
Which shields me from my foes
Which strengthens me in any confrontations
Which guides me
And  my family too!

Why wasn’t I afraid to leave you, God?
Why was I so quick to step away?
I was quick to reject you:
To deny you
As you were tortured within.
I let your son suffer for me each day.

Have I neither remorse nor shame?
Have I no sorrow, no respect, no fear, no belief?
Forgive me Lord, I forgot my loyalty
And my place.
I am here again
Weak and helpless as a child
Clothe me
Hold me 
And please don’t ever wean me. 

Some issues take longer to resolve than to create.
Are they even worth it?


One night stand

Laying here
He now knows your name,
and to your contours,
he is slowly adjusting.
Your motions and your tones,
he is slowly recognizing.

You giggle.
But he doesn’t know why
You smile,
And you swear '"no connotations!"
Too late,
He is already slighted.

You blink.
Are you distracted?
Wait a minute,
Are those tears?
You laugh.

"Do I spell it for you?"
"Am I too extreme?"
What about...

"Take me home".
"Call me".
"Some spontaneity please"!
Is that what you want?

"We are dividing too much into too little
These answers you seek
bequeath knowledge
To questions
Bred, read and raised
Through ties, time or trauma.
If you ask tonight
You seek too much in too little
And if I tell tonight......well
Your questions seek histories
Asking for what you did not create
Entitling you to my future
Built on a past that you have already
To violate...
So take me home"
"Never mind, 
I will call a cab".
"Tsk Goodnight".

Was it even worth it?



If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land
Isaiah 1.19




As dusk sets in,
I wonder how well I will sleep tonight;
And how precious the morning will perceive me
When I am within its sight

But while the day sleeps,
I wonder how many things I have sought
And have truly found;
How many things for which I have dreamed
That I rightly deserve…

While the children play,
I wonder how sensitive
I have been to my fortune;
How honest I have been
As I confront life’s true meaning………

While the parents age,
I wonder how grateful
I have been;
How worthy of their patience
I am

While the friends laugh,
I wonder how much
Of their joy I truly want to share;
And how much of their tears
I can wipe away………

Then when dawn advances,
Knowing no other way to be
I wonder,