1st DaY of SpRing

I have never been in a winter storm, with icicles, snowflakes, avalanches and perhaps even gales of the white powder, But there’s a storm whirling up in my body. Each time I picture you weak and helpless and Everytime I imagine you faint. My feet are in a pool of my tears because My heart is flooded with thoughts, and fear. I will be flaccid by tomorrow, I am sure of it. But I keep praying that tomorrow is the first day of Spring. When old flowers get a new chance, they can wear their pretty colors and make everyone smile. I keep hoping that tomorrow brings a stronger you as another bark is added to your trunk. You will withstand any ailment. I keep hoping…..nothing will tire you again, noone will worry you again. You will get to be the queen bee and you can breed a colony of all your dreams. Everything you will put your effort to, will thrive. Everything! But each time I wish for spring, it feels like I am wishing for heaven so I don’t know anymore if I want spring…I just want you back here and well. I want us to plan our book and name our kids, talk about the dodgy hurdles we have gotten over. Get your energy back bubu. Get your strength back china. Get your joy back Midiot. And check out of there. We will go for summer instead.


PURITY fRoM A NegaTiVe PersPective….

Destiny Connect had an article relating to forgiving our family members and the lessons we can draw from knowing and belonging to our individual families. One piece of advice struck a chord…it said for me thank all my relations for the gifts they have given me, “even if their gift was teaching me what NOT to do”. This is so relevant to my life right now as I have found myself related to “mischievous and adventurous characters”. As human beings, I know we are capable of anything (good and great) and the possibility of being murderous, thieving, vengeful, depressive, violent, envious, adulterous are especially heightened when they are in your bloodline. Nevermind Adam and Eve, look at your own immediate family, the sisters, brothers, first cousins, mothers, fathers! Even if you cut these people out, their blood, as the article says, runs through your veins too.

That behaviour/partialty to such courses of action only need time/certain circumstances to manifest and you find yourself unleashing this behaviour which you think is out of character but ALAS, it is not. So you find yourself being krez, promiscuous, stealing, depressed, resorting to alcoholism/other addictive tendencies and you don’t know Who in the world you are. And some stuff you enjoy so much and others, you wake up and regret so much. Forgive Yourself. You are your first relation. What you have been through is a gift to yourself. Now you know what not to do. You know better. You ought to behave better. Don’t lay it on your ancestors and play the blame game though because since Jesus, your no longer bound by the past. You can break the chain and live an abundant and righteous life. Battles…Yes, you will face beaucoup but you now have Victory through your Saviour.

The issue of the observers arises, those who were in your presence, in the midst of your ‘krezness’, the victims, friends and foes….well you can’t forgive on their behalf. Their unforgiveness is no longer your burden but restitution if at all possible may be your goal. You clearly can’t right every wrong, this is why you are not Jesus but you can ask Him to give you tools such as strength and courage to restore goodness into your life and theirs: For your sake and the multitudes. So these people may have been your uncles, aunts’ children, your brothers etc and they looked at you with shame, disappointment, confusion but did you see their FEAR at all? That moment when they suspected your actions to be contagious OR some venture into the abyss of disbelief.

No way would they do that! They wouldn’t cheat on their husbands, they wouldn’t throw a baby away, they couldn’t kill a person! Long Drones fill the room wherever you go. I beg-o Speak from your experience. If you want to find a way from the hole or the corner where they put you in. Speak..You are an ambassador of your own lifestory and your story could be a saviour in theirs. Teach Us, teach Them how to avoid the HoLe! How to recognize it! Your actions have spoken, yes, but that’s not all you got. Never underestimate the power of your experiences! Ode to Paul! Ode to Mary Magda!

Dear Cousin, you are a gift and I thank you for living and showing me what I must not do. Because of you, I know the repercussions of some actions. I now know that my family will stand with me through anything and bail me out of any problems. I know that there is no disappointment that will crowd out LoVe. I know what spirit to pray against and I am more aware of the Garments of praise and prayer that I am sometimes reluctant to wear; and weapons from the Word I should use so I am not an easy target for sin. You are my family, I have learnt that I will fight for you, I will fight my own body if it refuses to have compassion for you. I will fight my intelligence if it reasons against you. I will fight my own heart if it refuses to ForgiVe you. I love you. I Thank you. I forgive you.

My own disobedience is no less than yours. I am not exempt from this, there are things in my nature and I have to guard against them. If I harbour them, they will eat me up and ruin my life and be fatefully passed on to the next generation and they won’t know what hit them. I want to let you know what I and you are capable of, because it is the same blood that runs through these veins. I am prepared to speak about them if you would like to learn. There is no well so deep that God cannot lift you from, only really bad excuses! Thank God for the Blood of the Lamb that is sprinkled on us that we may be washed cleaner than clean and covers a multitude of sins...the dormant ones, the current, the sequels, the repeats, and the feature films.

So Ask me FaM if you would like..I will Speak! Give your Family/youRSelf opportunities to wrestle their demons in the Light too. when you battle your sin in darkness, you will lose for this is where sin thrives. Fight in the Light! FaM Its okay for you to fight where we can see you, to be krez where we can see you, where we can pray for you and love you. DOn't shun your family away/HiDe YouRSelf, Don't stone FaM outside the city walls (by gossipping/demeaning them/further murdering their characters and Don'T do it to YouRSelf either)...for Him without sin never cast a stone. Be patient with yourself. Don't be rash to decide which side of the fence you are on. Lend an ear, Extend a hand and Reserve judgement for Him who has the right please. And hold on to faith, for from ashes, the Phoenix rises AnD from death Lazarus and Jesus came. Raised by God.

For yours, mine and all our sakes....



DeciDing on a Path

I love to write, simply what is on mind, so I write in simple diction. I love to speak candidly so I write plainly….so I wonder where all this will lead me.

I love to study economics without the mathematical jargon, so my theses are devoid of proofs of hypotheses except through theory. I love to explore issues from mine own perspective but here am I, working in a research company picking others’ minds….so I ask where will it all lead me?

I love to mend broken relationships yet I have never sustained my own. I love to forgive but I hate the person I am at the start of the forgiving journey which passes through disappointment and bitterness. I love to heal hearts and minds and restore them with Verses or words impessed upon me by the Spirit…but I have simple diction. I love for people to feel my heart when we embrace, my soul as we speak and my comfort when they ache…yet I am so sensitive to touch and irritable when my space is invaded. Where will this lead to?



today I am especially aware of my sexuality and my beauty. Off course, instinctively, I want to share it with a MaN in a kiss. not a PG13 kiss but a simple peck (that’s really all) on the cheek of the MaN who has repeatedly prioritized me, constantly encouraged me and vigorously loved me. I want to kiss him as a show of the affection that he allows me to bring out from within my soul. I want to kiss him as a sign of assurance that I enjoy standing by him as much as I do standing up for him. I want to kiss him because I want to say I love you. But I am SinGle. I must PreSERve my right to share thiSortOfpassion until I am within a relationship with a God-fearing, meLoving, faithful, kind, generous, hanDSome and LoYAL man. Take heed, I advertise not my single status, I speak of it as I speak of all my other daily thoughts and ideas. Maybe I will get my nails done today, dress up and go out for dinner, splurge on a hot chocolate fudge sundae (this does not indicate my ‘partner preference’ at all). I need to treat me well…show me how much I love and appreciate this body that is me.


oFFice hoURs

linColn…at work of course!

Beautiful stranger…I saw you in the novel I am reading. You are a beautiful man. They have called you awkward but I have read on and particularly enjoy that you are so peculiar. I have begun to seek your quaintness wherever I am…hoping that in the midst of this world’s vulgar disorder, I can see you live and breathe. On black faces, the Indian race, white people, Asians? I can feel that the hope you had for equality amongst all mankind has been passed along generations as each man and woman wake each morning to go to work, to serve their children so they too become adequately equipped for their morrows. I can recognize the stomping of your feet; it’s like a call to the masses to plod on past hardships and tumultuous circumstances toward the betterment of our generation. I love that you are a survivor of sorts…you basically taught yourself to read and taught yourself law. I hope one day, or even today you will gravely influence the man I call mine.


BirD Poop BleSSings

so yep Tweety flew over me as I was walking back from lunch and laid it on me. Great! Wait a minute, I thought, this means i have Good Luck. I don't believe in luck, I argued. Its Just Plain Old Crap from a birdy.

Then I looked up from my vanity and saw a man carrying firewood on his back in this sweltering heat....so far the worst thing to happen to me today is getting pooped on by a bird...

Compared to his load, i am lucky even if i don't believe in luck.

wHat I think About at Work..

If my workmates knew me then, they wouldn’t dare!

“Sit here young lady”, my grandmother pointed to the ground she was sitting on with her zambia spread out to protect her from ants and other sorts crawling on the ground. I refused and remained standing in my blue transparent skirt and crocheted top. I was going to meet my boyfriend at the shops and there was no stopping me. This was as cute as I wanted to look. She looked at me and asked if I were going out like that and I said Yes, unflinching. No room for apologies here. Then I asked her, Will you love me any less if I went out like this? Will I cease to be your grandchild?

There’s this one teacher who told me I wouldn’t go very far if I persisted in my rudeness. I had rolled my eyes at her and barked something in my defense after being accused of shouting/yelling/hitting a boy. I was defending myself is all I could say. I mean she comes with Experience and Authority and I come with what? A grade 4 education, an amateur’s certificate in solemn apologies and learners in sulking! I knew I was paling in comparison to her so I shouted. I needed leverage! I rolled them eyes and stood up for myself, literally. I was instantly heroine of the day in my grade 4 class.

Oh then there’s Waterlady. Fair enough we were having dancing lessons during prep but she stormed in, asked the music to be turned down and told us to get out! She paid no attention to the fact that we were training with a legitimate dance teacher employed by the school. Sure he had dreads. Sure he was black but Respect da teeeacher man! So I stepped to the edge of the stage, picked up my shoes, and stood up to my full five foot height and stared down into her watery blue-grey eyes, turned around and swung my booty as much as I could as I walked toward the exit. Next morning, fair enough, I am asked to see Waterlady in her office. In my defense, I said that my reaction had been a direct response to hers. If it came across rude it’s because she brought that out in me. I apologized for letting myself be so explicitly angered at her approach that she may be so offended. I told her that I did regret the repercussions of ‘our’ actions and I would not repeat my shortcomings. Would she?

Then once more, Waterlady and Roberto teamed up to tell me that putting up my hand 20 times after completion of an exam in order to go to the toilet was not allowed. I said, "Well if you had let me go the first time, we would never have had this problem". I didn’t really need the toilet; I wanted to leave the exam because I had finished early. I had no idea what to write and could not be bothered sitting there bargaining with my mind to give me information I had never studied for.

Somewhere along the line I started crying. I mean you go to a foreign country. You are employed in the worst job you could have imagined and working with the most condescending team you have come across but your getting PAID!! So Jase had accused me of messing up an order, hence delaying it and so my fair reward was being yelled at by Saa. I couldn’t stare him down, I just cried. Pitiful. The anger I swallowed that evening, (so I could keep my job) was colossal such that I must have choked on it and the tears spilled out. I resolved never to get that angry at my workplace until I met K-kul!!!!

Am I very different now? My emotions are mine now until PMS, then hormones take over, or except death then i have absolutely no control. Other than that I think that I expend them as I see fit not as much as I am provoked... Growth is weird.


maKingUPstoRies to pass time....

When do you suppose we begin to let sleeping dogs lie? When do you suppose, we leave the past in the past? I sat across the room today from you. I heard you speak and I think it may have been a joke you were telling and I recognized how hard you were going to laugh because your abs were becoming tense and your face had begun to glow. I felt repulsed. I felt angry and deceived and I knew I had a problem. I knew there was a demon digging a hole beside me trying to make me fall into a place of pain and hurt and disappointment. Good thing I recognized him because I would have picked up the nearest object, hurled it across the room in one breath and regretted it in the next.

I saw you walk by and you had the usual back pack you carry. Your long arms were tapping against your hip to some BEAT with which you had just newly become acquainted. I recognized the smile creeping up on your cheeks and at once I felt myself getting all hot and flushed. A rush of emotions nearly knocked me off my feet. Dammit I loved you all over again.

I read your email. AS IF I needed to be accepted into your university. And I heard that job was crap anyway. You have a high staff turnover! Your ablutions are appalling and the salary is not that great! The truth is you could afford me if you asked. I would work in your backseat only if it meant I would get to keep my clothes on and gain unequivocal knowledge from slaving in your presence…

I saw that you are in a great relationship on facebook and I had palpitations. I questioned your deserving nature. It seemed you were once again the favourite and the silver lining only showing on your clouds…I wished you well..did I mean it?

I want to be torn from remorse and regret as easily as I am pressed against it. I want to be farther from jealousy as the devil is from retribution. I want to be painted into bliss and acceptance and joy.. When does hell finally freeze over so I can be I.



I dont get him. He loves me, He loves me not. He loves her, He loves her not. Could someone invite me to the workings of a Husbands mind? I know it starts developing from the second his born, well before that, really, when he is in his mother's womb. Then why Husband do you choose to forget your once safest haven was under the skin of a female like me? You love me then leave her. You love me not then leave me. Don't keep me in this gloom, in this expectant state. One day its flowers, kisses, am not sure I smell it right. But I think sometimes its LOVE. you R such a mystery.

someTimes I thinK I love you until you screw me over and leave me for weeks and then I find myself still here, AtHome. waiting for you to come through the door, take off your shoes, sit on the sofa, watch some football, have the sadza I cook with the fish I grilled for you. Then, my husband, I know I love you.

For which misteress would do what i do? which misterEss would get on her knees and pray for you to be released from the devil's talons? which misterEss would love your children when you, their father, forget their birthdays? which misteress would wash your unwell mother? which misterEss would pray for the Almighty's forgiveness if she rightfully felt bitterness toward you?

You hurt me my Husband. You hurt me when you lay with me and expect more. you hurt me when i fear to love you freely for you can disease-me. you hurt me my husband because i still try to look beautiful and impress you. I pretend not to care but when you do..stop and stare..well that makes me joyful. You hurt me, my husband, when you don't pray with me. How then do i know your promises are true? twenty-so years ago, i loved you. i know twenty-so years more, i will love you.

just today live through my pain, my weakness, my sickness, my good health, my joy. stay with me through our vows.

agh..this was in my throat and i was pretending it wasn't! I am teared over these husbands who do not treat my sisters right! i hope i feel better after writing this. i really need to feel better so I can face them. i kinda do write when I am low don't I? Its just that when I am happy like my birthday this week, I am so busy singing and shouting from mountaintops. I am sorry blog..i do transference on you. its just that i aint got nobody i can call at 2am in a drunk stupor to tell them how messed up they are. Pweeeease wat drunken stupor? I don't drink! Believe you, me (ima call you Bee, blogs not such a fancy name is it?) Bee, your such a good listener and I owe you. I DO! hehe



For I was wrestling not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places just yesterday. I have come to realize that I am in debt. I owe my feelings updates, like I update my FB profile like twenty times a day to suit my mood, my feelings or the latest gossip. And of course, I update my tweets depending on what the stars are saying..its crazy but thats a whole other thing i need to deal with. I update my facial expressions when I am angry, happy, excited whatever the feeling But I hardly ever keep my heart upTOdate. Like its still pumping iAMsoMADatyoU blood through my arteries when my head and my soul are sending I-am-already-to-Forgive impulses..

So dear Heart, I am better today. I am actually quite happy. So happy I feel like wearing yellow. Crazy thing is I do remember what you went through yesterday. I remember how shocked you were at the betrayal of your mothers' home. i remember how disappointed you felt when you learnt that noone's perfect especially those you need to be. I remember how you cringed and ached at the apparent sexism at my workplace. You wanted to leap out of my chest and beat that man down and show him that my opinion was valuable. Oh how you ached for me when I had no shoulder to cry on and resolved to laying and crying on my hugest teddy bear. I especially remember how you tried to pumpITup today so I would feel excited at something even though it was just a walk down the street. I know you were disappointed when i shrunk into my skin and let the boys at work run my day. But dear heart, you Kept beating..I won't forget what you have done for me. I will not forget what you have trudged through

you must have been saying silent prayers because my joy is here and the stench of unforgiveness has passed. The desire to revenge has been melted away. Instead of seething CraZY, i am soothed. Revived is more I. I am even loving again and all in a day's work! You bled out the bad, and pumped in the Nu. Thanks You. I am better now!




2 tired 2 feel
2 tired 2 B Betrayed
2 tired 2 B real
2 tired 2 fight
2 tired 2 try and b right
2 tired 2 stay
2 tired 2 leave
2 tired 2 hang on
2 tired 2 lie
2 tired 2 cry
2 tired 2 b alone
2 tired 2 pray
WaitAMinute..thats not ME
2 tired
But I am...just 2 tired
2 tired 2 hope
2 tired 2 b happy
2 tired 2 smile
2 tired 2 kick
2 tired 2 breathe
2 tired 2 b Me today.