Goodbye Ms JayJay!

SO Terius Nash announces he is separated from Christina Milian after being photographed frolicking with another woman..This struck a cord with me and I have just figured why I was so mad...
Its an 'everybody in the club' who has had a 'heart-breaker, you got the best of me' moment 'put your hands up' *both hands shoot up*!!!!!!
My first real heart break came about when the 'love of my 17-22 years old moment' told me he had a son and a live-in girlfriend and I hadn't know about this until he got stabbed and he had to explain into whose care he was being discharged-excuse the phrasing of the sentence. Because he was in so much pain and he was so helpless, I never had a chance to get really mad at him. I simply told him that it was okay and he should be with his baby mama because she could look after him and she had good reason to. Because he fathered her child and she obviously loved him. I suppose, I would have done the same thing too, nursed him to health if I wasn't living with my parents and going back to uni in Australia blah blah. I would have done the same thing even if I knew he had a girlfriend on the side (she had known about me all along). I remember ringing him on his mobile after the incident to check on how he was doing. His girlfriend and I would have a civil conversation and even laugh about a thing or two. I mean what do you do when you have a common interest like that? We had cut the physical ties but he had me emotionally (even as I write). 

Anyway, I would like to apologise to the real Mrs Jackson for the pain he caused her while with me. You and I are women and we are more than similar, we are sisters- we go through the same thing every dang month, we are nurturers, we descend from Eve and her pains are both our pains and her joys and needs are the same as ours. You deserved all of your man yet he split himself into two.
(Genesis 3.16)

Today, I thought I was mad at The Dream for Christina's sake and all those women who had men who played them or men who manipulated them into a 'jumpoff' status- I thought 'these poor women'. These poor women at the mercy of such ironically 'merciless' men; 2-minute men who fed their egos by scoring beautiful women who they made feel worthless because they cheated openly and strung them on emotionally and sometimes physically; these rogues who occasionally threw in unexpected compliments like throwing a dog a snack- anything to keep these women chewing on something till they could give them their full attention; these men who sent messages saying 'i worry about you' to express their concern yet in the same breath belittling these women's abilities to look after themselves; these men who reminded these women of the secrets they shared to lure them to the past so they can have their way with them again; these men who declared 'how difficult it was to get through to these women' because one night and one night only, this woman was not taken in by his typical advances and it dawned on him that this WOMAN wanted more than his leftover time...these men who run toward the exit sign under the guise of 'I don't know what she wants from me, I have done everything I can.......'

But not my man!(Lesson learned: always think twice and check your references before saying something like that) 'He never did any of these things', I tell myself. 'He never hurt me like that'.  Duh because he was my first boyfriend, I had never been hurt like that before, so naturally, I did not recognise the pain that was creeping into my life over the years and quietly making me so 'subconsciously embittered'. I masked this pain with 'how much I loved him' and never really weighed the relationship according to 'how much he loved me'. Fact: A person who truly loves you wouldn't get you into such a hot mess but a selfish person would! A person who loves you endeavors to protect you even if it means not being with you. Another Fact: They love the ones they stay with--->cheating or not cheating. The value tends to be higher at the place he strays from rather than the place he is straying to.

FLASH FORWARD he had his second son (somewhere in between emailing i miss yous and long distance calls to Oz and telling me it was his sister's baby); he got engaged to that baby mama; and he continued to email  me to check on me. The pitiful thing is that I would often imagine being a step-mommy to his children if it didn't work out between them- okay maybe not imagine but in my heart of hearts, if he needed me to be, I thought I would and I would deal with the drama later. Probably until right now, I would have had his baby (because one lazy day he said that he would love to have a little girl with me and I have just realised I need to bury that memory for my sake). Again sorry to TheRealMrsJayJay for having such thoughts about your husband.

You friggin' hurt me Mr JayJay. You manipulated me into giving the best of my naivete to you. You should have known better. You made me a 'sideline beep' when i should have been more.  I am so happy I realised this because I had begun to portray you as 'my ideal man' yet you weren't. I have a new opportunity now to meet someone who is ranked above that kind of foolery. I look forward to new hands carrying my heart and stroking my skin. I look forward to fresh affection and new conversation topics. I look forward to new experiences and new memories now. The pedestal just fell to the ground.. Perhaps I judged you harshly MrJayJay, maybe you didn't know any better but thank the Lord, that's not my problem to fix...I am moving past and on. Do I forgive you? Haha thats funny, I gave you a lot of things and I guess I have no reason to hold one more thing back. I forgive you because I need to. Its funny because I gave your ring away, your clothes away, your gifts away, but I never knew why I couldn't shake you off till now (I hadn't really seen the pain you caused me until I recognised it in someone else's life) finally I know that your beautiful face doesn't 'cover all manners of sin', it doesn't account for anything at all in my life anymore...it is what it is, a face that belongs to someone I was once in love with.

Dear Men, learn to exercise your love, patience and tolerance muscle instead of stretching your lustful  membranes. Work it out with your girls. Sometimes variety is not the spice of life! Weak men stay in the shallow end but strong, courageous men go into the deep end and work to obtain strong, lasting relationships Don't let fear hold you back from something you will gain honour and respect for...

So all you boys out there with the same M.O you should be mindful that you may have daughters too and if you don't start protecting their little hearts by becoming better men TODAY who influence the younger generation to be better men-->you might as well get familiar with the words in this blogpost and prepare for the worst.


Living Life Like It's Golden said...

Wow! what a story! I can't even begin to imagine how much hurt you went through..I'm glad that you've forgiven him. That's one of the best things you can do for yourself and for him!

Thanks for following my blog :)

Tendayi said...

You are welcome! oh its just a relief to say I have been through it, i could very well still be in it. yes, you are too right there is power in forgiveness!