It has been gnawing at me for some time now, that I am about 20 steps behind my gurl. She is well on her way to the 2.5 children, after having already signed the deal to be married to a hot-sturdy-employed-black man. She has completed a Masters Program and works behind a 5 foot desk with an executive leather swivel chair. Her assistant and her dreams are at her beck and call.
The Green-eyed monster says, “And HERE you are!”
“But I have always known that my current job was just a stepping stone to the freedom of financial success”, I reason, “And will one day open the door to a hefty paying job”, I add.
I have already begun to make the necessary expansion plans toward success. I have applied to universities with the courses which appeal to me. Until recently, I was anxiously anticipating their replies and am now gallantly receiving them. My mind was (as skilful as any recovering low-esteemed person’s mind would be) prepared for the rejections from all four universities but I have received three replies ranging from conditional offers to definite offers…the when-will-you-come-already? replies.
I honestly never anticipated choices. The dilemma lies wherein I have to choose ONE! And my criterion of choice, until this morning, was to go to the highest ranked university of the lot. So, I obligingly googled them: My first preference naturally was the A league one. Number 2 and 3 were closely listed….quite a difficult one to call. And the last one was actually my favourite yet the lowest ranked. It is also located in the capital city and it would have been absolutely expensive and distractive to study there. So it’s clearly a toss up between #2 and #3. Blaaaaaaaaah! So how do I choose?
When I laid my head to sleep last night, I had a light bulb moment (very inappropriate because I was so sleepy and did not need my mind turning on lights!). I didn’t want to go to #2 or #3 because my aforementioned friend went to one of them and of course. Yep my subconscious confronted me and declared that I believed I was better than my gurl in spite of all her achievements. It’s true! I had told myself over and over again after she had jumped over each hurdle that I was still smarter. I was more well behaved. I was better FULL STOP. Yet, I have always felt like each time I was about to embark on something, she had already gone before me. The good, the bad and the ugly! She has an adventurous spirit, my gurl does. And now this! I wanted to set my own perimeters and challenges and AGAIN I find that she has accosted them all. What is left for me? Not even a university, I thought.
The shame woke up with me today, and although I really wanted to write a hilarious article or a list of my dreams…I had to deal with this first. I had to confront the Who-Is-Greater complex similar to the one the disciples had. He, who wants to be considered first, must be ready to wash others' feet and be prepared to be last! With this realization, I unsaddled my high horse and got on my knees as I was confronted with the knowledge that I am not greater/better than her. Great, Yes. (And only because Jesus died4me). Greater, Nah!
LongStoryShort: I am human. I am God’s responsibility. This is why He gave me the Holy Spirit and the Bible. His divine purpose is my calling. I need to pursue it with an open and grateful heart. I am not better than any of my friends for we are all great. Only one Jesus died for each of us..not 514 different “Jesuses” depending on each person’s worth. ONE! I will be proud and excited to walk the route where others have been positioned for His blessing. Ultimately, God chooses our routes. I am sorry I was jealous boo. You deserve abundant goodness just like I do. And you have received goodness just like I have. I, on the other hand, need to learn to abound and to be abased and not to use your life as a measure of mine. I need to be content with my person, my goals, and my life so I don’t overshadow your blessings with my insecurity. I look forward to celebrating your every breath and step on God’s highway to His Kingdom.
I have laid my grudge down now, it was keeping my mind and head full….Lord, I am ready to receive your blessing now.
God's growing my standards,my expectations, my love, my choices, my mind every single day. I can no longer be contained by my past so I DO have to let go of the bad stuff I am holding on to. Its true, I am not a compost heap or a recycling bin. Grudge In, Grudge Out Full Stop! My past is already one day short, it can't contain me. Clearly, I am enjoying the sound of my own voiceInmyHead but its true, yesterday is a day short...I can never go BACK! I don't wan2 shortchange myself by going back there. I AM FrEE!