God! What do you want from me???

In more serious affairs, i feel like i am not praying enough or God is telling me something cause I haven't gotten the things i have been asking for recently. I just don't feel that Him and I are insync because the recent occurences haven't brought me joy or delight as God's reigning Hand on my life should....I find myself screaming, shouting and absolutely enraged at the turns I am having to make....I am constantly asking Lord, what's the reason? What's the purpose? Others have also been dealt a pretty unexpected hand but in less than a night, it has turned around to something really blessed for them. Lord I need to see Your face in this, I can see Your Hand only as far as my eyes can see but I need to see the expression on Your face saying its cool, its alright, I know what I am doing...I am tired of smiling outwardly and professing faith in other people's situations but never really in my own circumstance. All the while, I am scratching  and pulling at the walls of my insides in anguish...I want to be happy for me too!

SSS

(SSS=toned down version of triple x) yes i don't do explicit lyrics/behaviour ..those are relics of my past i guess but i have battles, Lord do I have battles! sometimes my mind is like a gutter, full of ignoble; nonvirtuous?, unholy, unkind, unloving, ungracious, lustful thoughts--> that's my confession, and I NEED PRAYER!

ANYWAY, this past MONTH i have learnt lot which has opened the door to understanding quite a few things....

i get how you can be lonely enough that you can enter the worst brutal relationship just to feel something....

i get how pressing a weapon to your temple in your imagination can easily become a reality....

i get how quickly one's mood swings and noone can reset it to normal especially when you desperately need to be rational...

LiFe SuPPoRT

What does it mean to be on life support-to be dependant on a ventilator to live? My sister's friends daughter is on one such machine. She has severe injuries from a recent fluke accident and keeps needing one operation after another.

'The ultimate goals of life support depend on the specific patient situation. Typically life support is used to sustain life while the underlying injury or illness is being treated or evaluated for prognosis. Life support techniques may also be used indefinitely if the underlying medical condition cannot be corrected but a reasonable quality of life can still be expected'.- Wikipedia

I can't even know what to pray for right now. Healing? Comfort? Strength? Wisdom? Life? I do know that God is a God of many names and He will lend Himself to this occasion as He sees fit. (For it is not my will I am pushing, but Your will to be done in this girl's life.)