i had written a very 'flowery' introduction in a bid to justify my behaviour and I have decided to delete it. Well, because I am trying to stop throwing these pity parties..i don't like the people who come and I especially don't enjoy attending them. I had an argument with my elder sister=number 2 sis!
My weakness is raising my voice in confrontations of any kind. In an argument setting, I can feel my voice rising and I become a bit pitchy but I CANNOT stop it. I find that those who stay calm and deliberately lower their intonations appear to be the more intelligent side and their arguments always seem more well composed. My pitch, on the other hand, rises and the more I need to say, the squeakier it becomes..in the end, I shriek away my sensible defense. Noone pays attention after that and they start on the Tantrum Approach they used on me since i was about 12. Do you have to shout? Could you not have told me earlier if that was how you felt? Can you be more respectful? And here I am, trying to bring the best of my argument skillZ to the table waitered on by the Pacifier herself!
How do I say lets start over and please pay attention when she is on the winning end of the race because she got me squealing and frazzled? (Will she really be prepared to lose marks so we can solve this?) How do I start again when I am trying to walk away and she keeps asking these questions to which I have no answers at the time...I want to address the issue and she wants to undress it and uncover all the underlying issues that led up to the event. (Here I launched into another miserable pity patry so i had to DELETE- excuse the unflowy nature of this post. I am venting)BLAH BLAH until she asks "oh but are we arguing? I thought we were just talking and you started yelling at me". I must say I felt like she started ALL THIS with her Queen of Passive Agressivo act and we were in this argument together. Even hush hush tones spoken out of tension qualify as part of an argument-the point is we were in it together and she pulled the 21 questions card instead of just "playing along".
Lessons drawn from the "fight"
Until now, i was a Cain-sympathizer. (Genesis 4) Cain and Abel come to the Lord to offer a sacrifice right? (Like my sis n I-we have come on this earth to leave the very best of our lives for God because we are both Christians, yes? yes!)But Cain brings second rate harvest from his crop. And Abel brings on the lamb from His best flock. God picks Abel. Cain gets really angry and kills Abel. Until this minute, I was like bruv, what if Cain had given his best and he really caught the short-end of the stick that day and God should have just accepted his sacrifice because he made the effort. Of course, I know killing is wrong but I felt like..if only God had accepted both their offerings, this never would have happened. But God knows man's heart (Psalm 139:23-24)and He knew Cain was doing a half hearted job and God only accepts the best of us at each time. When we were children, we spoke like children and He accepted us, now we are adults, we must be like adults and He accepts us. Thank God for Jesus- because now with His blood as the Ultimate Perfect Sacrifice, we are always accepted completely as we are because the Blood of His Only Son is on us and He will not forsake His son.. I digress. Lesson = i must strive to bring Jesus to God every day. He is the best of me since being TK'd (Talitha Koumed) and bickering an whingeing and fighting is not Jesusy!
I was also an 'undercover' Esau sympathizer. (Genesis 25:21-34; 27:1-45)Come on now, Esau was deceived into giving away his birthright. And until now, I secretly felt God should have worked harder to stop Jacob from taking the birthright OR at least worked harder on Esau to change his heart so he could learn to value his birthright more and not swop it for "chicken noodle soup eqivalent". LSS (Long story short)Jacob gets the birthright and blessing from their father Isaac and Esau gets...... MAD because all he gets is the affirmation that his brother will definitely be superior to him all the days of his life(Shame huh?) Lesson = I have learnt to place value on the Father's blessing and my birthright- being God's child with an All Access pass to eternity through Jesus Christ, my Saviour. I must not sell my (born again)birthright off by refusing to apologise; wallowing in self-pity; MCS (Middle Child Syndrome)excuses;"hunger" to be right. I must, instead, hunger for righteousness!
The worst part of it was when my niece began to cry. She didn't like us fighting. She didn't like us fighting! In retrospect, I don't like us fighting! Its not 'cool' to win an argument anymore because with age, come the most brutal tactics and hurtful statements because we have known each other long enough to know the tender spots. To win, you have to throw someone under the bus and unless you are a Freddie Kruger, this should not be enjoyable. Here are thingz i should have done to avoid this MESS:
-Speaking before things escalated
-Oooh not saying that hurtful statement in retaliation
-Not raising my voice
In Deuteronomy, God said if these dudes disobeyed or did wrong, a curse will fall on them and their descendants. I always wondered HOW God could let "crap" destroy a relationship with generations which hadn't even lived at all? I mean they have done nothing wrong *confused emoticon here*. But I understand now because as I lay in bed with my niece today, I knew she felt confused about the reaction I had had toward my sister, her mother. She comes from a good home and I am probably the first person to argue with her mother this way. She didn't turn over not even once as she has been doing the last couple of nights. She faced the wall and remained tense and rigid prompting me to get out of bed and pray for ways to make amends...It is not possible to love a mother's child fully if your love for the mother is compromised by unforgiveness and anger because they are indeed one.(it is now 4.12am and I have been up since midnight and it feels like "All I want for Christmas" is forgiveness and erm chicken :O)
LSS..Lord I am sorry, I don't want my attitude and actions to tear me from a good relationship with my nieces and nephews. I can't let this rivalry be a curse to my children and my nieces and nephews. I just can't and I won't tear us up. Lord restore our love and renew our Spirits that tomorrow we wake up to your glory and forgiveness. Teach us a new way to speak with one another, to love on one another. Teach us to be Yours in all manners. I want to confess that I have done this before with the eldest sister, but now I know better. I am sorry about that time too. Baby sister, I will endeavour to base our relationship on this new identity I am growing into. I am sorry about the past altercations. I love you.